By Susan K. Boyd MS, MFT
Valentines day is over but not the relationship that you were celebrating. You might have received chocolates or flowers or given them to that very special person in your life. I love getting them and giving them!
Falling in love is easy but staying in love is not. It takes more than chocolates, flowers, and a card to keep that passionate, flame burning through the years. What is the secret to being in love and staying that way? Researchers tell us that when the initial fantasy and dreaminess goes away other factors predict the likelihood that a couple will stay together. Here are a few.
Couples that wait well into their twenties or older to marry have a better chance of staying together. The maturity that comes with age as the more self-centered, teen years fall farther back, puts the statistics in the older couple’s favor. People who are well educated and earn more money appear to handle stresses of marriage, or perhaps, have less stress in marriage than those who are struggling, financially.
Those that were raised in a home with parents who stayed together have a higher likelihood of not divorcing. That is especially true if both spouses had parents that stayed together. This may be because they witnessed problem solving and long-term commitment by their parents. Couples that did not live together prior to marriage, statistically fair better in relationship longevity, than those that cohabitated. This may also have something to do with perceived commitment levels. Finally, couples that have a religious affiliation, especially the same religious beliefs, are more likely to have a long-term relationship, and are less likely to divorce.
Having counseled many marriages for over twenty years and having been married for 46 years to the same great guy, I notice certain traits that make people who fall in love, stay in love. They think long term so that the momentary or daily problems do not become reasons to exit the relationship. They experience kindness and open communication in their marriages. And they help each other feel secure and supported.
Falling in love is fun but staying in love involves lots of work. It is not about finding the perfect person. Continuing to keep faith with the one you started out with can deepen love and build trust. Being able to recharge the fun in marriage, well, that was what Valentine’s Day was all about! So let’s keep the chocolates, flowers and nights on the town coming all year! It might just spice things up at home, and not only help us fall in love, but stay in love.
Susan K. Boyd is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in private practice in SLO. She can be reached for counseling at (805) 782-9800 or by email: . Also see www.susankboydmft.com
