Arroyo Grande
•June 2: Two upstanding citizens got busted for shoplifting at Walmart. Another gamer was arrested for stealing two video games.
•May 28: County Mental Health was called in to evaluate a man who had entered the police station and said he was going to harm a woman who he said had committed a crime against him. He also made statements about killing other people, which is no way to ingratiate the police.
•May 28: Some hammered guy got nailed for being a DIP (drunk in public) after he was found walking his bike down the middle of the road on the 200 block of East Grand.

Morro Bay
• May 31: Police responded to a disturbance at 8:13 p.m. at Ironwood and Atascadero Road, where they hooked up a 28-year-old Los Osos woman for suspicion of being smacked on drugs.
• May 31: Police responded at 5:33 p.m. to the 800 block of Front St. Logs indicated a 52-year-old battleaxe’s victim made a citizen’s arrest for alleged battery.
• May 30: A disturbing man was causing a ruckus at 11:36 p.m. in the 700 block of Quintana. A 27-year-old stuffed fellow was hauled to the gaol to sleep it off.
• May 30: Police responded at noon to the 1200 block of Embarcadero where an 80-year-old man said he was the victim of “simple battery,” if that’s possible given his age.
• May 29: The jig was up for a 37-year-old woman at Albertson’s when police discovered she had a no-bail, out-of-state warrant. Officers added a charge of under the influence to her woes. Police went back to the store at 8:34 and arrested a 25-year-old sticky-fingered woman for suspicion of using the help-yourself lane, being UTI and having paraphernalia.
• May 26: A man in the 400 block of Nevis called at 5:42 p.m. to report that his soon-to-be-ex-roommate kicked in his locked bedroom door, destroyed his personal belongings and stole $1,000 in cash.
• May 26: Police responded at 4 p.m. to the Valero station in the 900 block of Morro Bay Boulevard for a non-injury crash, no doubt while doing the gas pump hokey-pokey.
• May 25: Police were dispatched at 5:25 p.m. to Monterey and Beach for a hit-n-split involving a BMW convertible. According to logs, at the exact same time, a 22-year-old woman was cited and released in the 400 block of Bonita, which is half-way across town, for allegedly leaving the scene of an accident.
• May 25: Police responded at 2:10 a.m. to the Morro Strand RV Park for a disturbance. A 49-year-old Bakersfield woman was arrested for suspicion of being blotto. Ah, that’s Morro Bay, arrive on vacation — leave on probation.
• May 24: Police responded at 8:24 p.m. to a smash-n-dash in the 900 block of Embarcadero. They cited and released the driver to go forth and sin no more.
• May 24: Police and fire responded at 1 p.m. to South Bay Boulevard for a non-injury crash. Logs indicated it was “vehicle vs. the marsh,” and no doubt the marsh won.
• May 24: Police contacted a suspicious man in the 1100 block of Quintana at the suspect time of 3:18 a.m. Naturally, the nocturnal scofflaw had a warrant. He was cited and released, with a solemn promise to appear.
• May 23: Police found a vehicle abandoned and stuck in the sand dunes at 2:35 a.m. on Morro Strand Beach. Then at 3 a.m. they found a 44-year-old fellow apparently on foot at Morro Rock. He had two warrants and was checked into the Parkinson Plaza. No word on whether he was the dune crasher too.
• May 22: Police contacted a regular customer at 6:52 p.m. in the 700 block of Quintana and arrested the master criminal for suspicion of theft, possessing narcotics and paraphernalia and of course a probation violation. They contacted a woman at 7:43 p.m. in the 1600 block of Main. The 36-year-old belle was busted for suspicion of being high as the Rock on drugs.
• May 21: Police responded to a disturbance at 11:46 p.m. in Lila Keiser Park and zoo. A 54-year-old bent fellow was tossed to the nick for suspicion of being sloppy.

Pismo Beach
•June 3: A green laser light was reported in the area of the Shoe Tree. Everything checked out okay. Luke Skywalker had apparently taken his light saber and left the area.
•June 3: A caller on the beach reported that someone was acting “erratically.” The guy was sitting rolled up like a ball next to a trashcan. He was drunk as a skunk.
•June 3: Extra patrols were requested in the Holiday RV Park for possible drug and prostitution activity. Late night foot and vehicle traffic were reported by neighbors of a young woman who lives there that has many different males going in and out of her motorhome.
•June 3: An empty baby stroller was left under a tree at the Butterfly Groves.
•June 2: An officer was flagged down by someone reporting that a woman had fallen on the boardwalk. She said she was okay and had tripped over her own feet.
June 2: A caller on the 200 block of Harlo cut the bottom part of his leg with a chainsaw, no doubt gaining a new empathy for trees. Medics were called for the guy who had tied a belt around the injured limb.
•June 2: An arrest was made after a man and woman tried to break into a home on the 900 block of Bello. The woman was a former caretaker of the caller’s grandmother.
•June 2: There was a traffic collision on the 800 block of 4th St. One of the drivers, who had been drinking, had reportedly asked the other driver, who was sober, not to call police. One arrest was made, guess which one.
•June 2: A disturbed man at Motel 6 told the desk clerk he was hearing voices in his head telling him to jump, from where we don’t know. He was run off for trespassing.
•June 2: Someone reported hearing a man yelling and screaming in the pier parking lot, so basically summer is here in Pismo.
•June 1: A 5-year-old boy at Motel 6 was screaming and his father was yelling at him. The child showed up at the front desk by himself alone and crying. He told the clerk that “daddy was choking mommy.” The mother then showed up at the front desk and naturally her louse of a husband was gone. Police did find the guy and arrested him. He was later served with an emergency protective order.
•May 29: A water heater was stolen on the 500 block of San Luis Avenue, which means someone is taking a hot shower.
•May 28: A caller on the 100 block of Sea Cliff said she saw a man inside her home. He was coming from her bedroom into the hall. When he saw her, he turned and headed back to the bedroom. No intruder was found.
•May 28: Someone on Grand Avenue and Highway 1 honked their horn at an officer to pull over. The driver reported a vehicle she had seen on the freeway. No word on what was out of the ordinary.
•May 27: Some guy on the pier, who might have been drinking, had snagged surfers twice with his fishing line. All parties were counseled and advised to get along.

San Luis Obispo
• June 4: At 5:38 a.m. a “glass break” alarm malfunctioned in the 100 block of South at Tech Tegrity, as it no doubt needs tech support.
• June 4: At 4 a.m. police responded to Jack-in-the-Box on Santa Rosa for a fight. Logs indicated a transient woman hit a customer and a 29-year-old she-weasel was popped for a battery charge.
• June 4: Someone called at 12:39 a.m. and said a Silverado Bus Co., driver dropped off two women at the Amtrak Station, and that’s apparently suspicious.
• June 3: A car was towed off in the 1200 block of Foothill in the Watson Manor Apartments apparently after parking in a red zone. Then some Sherlock at Watson Manor said he’d come home, stayed 45 minutes, saw his car was gone and deduced it was stolen, a case of I’ve got good news and bad news for you.
• June 3: Someone at Quality Suites on Monterey called at 8:56 p.m. because she saw a 9-year-old guest helping her apparently swizzle stick mom back to their room, a case of who’s the adult here?
• June 3: A citizen called at 8:30 p.m. from Foothill and Patricia to report an apparently suspicious black man with no shoes or shirt on was walking down the street. At 8:34 a citizen in the 500 block of Ramona reported that a black man came to her door selling candy bars and it apparently made her suspicious. Police couldn’t find either guy.
• June 3: At 3:50 p.m. police were notified of some guy passed out in the public crapper at Morro and Pacific. He was gone before police flushed him out.
• June 3: A citizen called at 2:54 p.m. to report a transient man walking down Higuera carrying a brand new-in-the-box Dell computer. He’d esc-alt-del’d himself before police got there.
• June 3: At 2:34 p.m. a citizen called police to report his or her dog was stolen from Lincoln Market on Murray and they’re following the scoundrel.
• June 3: Someone called at 10:57 a.m. from Broad and Orcutt to report a possible DUI in a motor home. Their fist clue being beer cans thrown out the window.
• June 3: Someone reported a traffic hazard at 10:39 a.m. on LOVR at Auto Parkway — some bonehead trucker was unloading a car hauler in the middle turn lane.
• June 3: Police were asked to check the welfare of a woman at a bus stop on Madonna by Burger King who seemed lost when asking for directions.
• June 3: A man at Pacific and Morro called at 10:11 a.m. because some guy rolling a joint refuses to leave so the dude can run a leaf blower, a case of which one is more annoying, hmmm?
• June 2: Police and fire responded at 3:18 a.m. to LOVR for an attempted suicide. Logs indicated the person tried to overdose on “diabetic medication,” after drinking a bottle of Limeaway apparently didn’t work.
• June 2: At 2:21 a.m. the fuzz went to Rocket Fizz on Higuera where some fella was screaming a cappella. The 26-year-old bent gent was sent to the tent.
• June 2: At 2:13 a.m. officers went to the 700 block of Higuera where a brute was bothering the decent folks at Buffalo Bar & Grill. He’d migrated before police arrived.
• June 2: Someone reported a loud party at 12:37 a.m. in the 11300 block of LOVR in either apartment B or C or D, an apparent multiple-choice case. Police decided it was “E” none of the above.
• June 1: At 11:39 p.m. police responded to Woodstock’s Pizza at Higuera and Osos where an employee said a guy was inside trying to start a fight, a case of get there before the doughboy kneads this pepperoni.
• June 1: At 11:30 p.m. in the 1500 block of Beach a citizen said a hose was running in his or her backyard and they didn’t turn it on in the latest example of why we need SWAT.
• June 1: Police responded at 5:57 p.m. to the Prado Road Daycare Center to check the welfare of a woman sitting on a bench. She was apparently OK, besides being homeless and no doubt miserable.
• June 1: Police and fire responded at 1:23 p.m. to Gulf and Coral for a non-injury crash. A tree jumped in front of a silver Toyota Avalon. There were no injuries, not counting the tree.
• June 1: Someone called police at 10 a.m. from the Sierra Vista parking garage and said there was an angry woman being aggressive, she no doubt having just gotten her bill.
• June 1: Someone called at 9:23 p.m. from Laguna Lake to report someone in a sleeping bag was on the dry lakebed, 150-feet from the launch ramp, as even the mud is off limits in San Screwy.
• June 1: A citizen called 9-1-1 at 8:30 a.m. from Mitchell Park because some guy was sitting on a bench having a smoke. The fellow got irate when the tattletale said he couldn’t smoke in public, as if a homeless guy has anywhere private.