Arroyo Grande
• May 5: Surprise, surprise. A cell phone left on the counter at 7-Eleven was stolen.
• May 3: Some scoundrel was reportedly illegally camping in a motorhome on Mentone for a week.
• May 2: A bicycle was stolen from a church but then returned, but lightening bolts may still come.
• May 1: Suspicious circumstances were reported on the 300 block of Fairoaks. A caller reported that the neighbor was in Southern California and last week doors and windows were open. Everything checked out okay.
• May 1: A caller on the 200 block of Courtland reported a suspicious youth, who was not a resident, in the courtyard walking near the koi pond. When the unwanted guest saw the caller watching him, he was heading toward the guys porch. He was advised against trespassing and told to hit the road.
Morro Bay
• May 3: Police responded to Albertson’s at 2:13 p.m. for a report of a shoplifter. Logs indicated a 52-year-old transient man allegedly tried to steal “alcoholic beverages” but he got caught and police cited and released the master criminal, who sometime hours later met up with a 19-year-old shipmate and allegedly stole a 20-foot sailboat from docks in the 500 block of Embarcadero. Police said the, well, pirates were intending to live a no doubt life of luxury on the open sea, albeit likely a short one. Instead they ran their commandeered sloop aground on the Sandspit (must have finally gotten the rum). The harbor patrol towed the boat and the two later SOS’d for a rescue off the Sandspit. They were arrested and tossed into the brig accused of grand theft, but apparently not piracy.
• May 3: Police responded at 10:20 p.m. to the 500 block of Mimosa for a report of a woman being pulled out of a stopped vehicle by some apparent masher, and suffering minor injuries. Police documented the rather odd incident.
• May 2: ‘Twas a busy afternoon on Tide Avenue, first with police responding at 12:15 p.m. for a runaway hooligan in the 3100 block and then for a two-car crash at 3:20 at Zanzibar and Tide. No injuries, thankfully.
• May 1: Police responded at 6:22 a.m. to the 2300 block of Nutmeg for some reported rascality, a car was doused with an unknown suspicious white chemical.
• May 1: Someone reported disorderly conduct at 7:54 a.m. at the high school, no doubt a daily occurrence before the bell rings.
• May 1: Police took a burglary report in the 600 block of Atascadero Rd., where some doofus stole a weed eater out of a barn.
• April 30: Police responded to the 500 block of Atascadero Rd., where a woman said someone stole more than $10,000 worth of jewelry out of her home, ouch!
• April 28: Police were called at 1:24 a.m. to the 1100 block of Main for a reported sexual assault. Logs indicated a 65-year-old apparent dirty old man was arrested for suspicion of indecent exposure. In an unrelated incident the next day at 5:33 p.m. a man in the 2100 block of Main was taken to County Mental Health & Day Spa for a 72-hour timeout.
• April 27: Police contacted a woman at 10:35 p.m. in the 300 block of Las Vegas. The 28-year-old apparent hype was cited and released for allegedly having hypodermic needles, her stash no doubt already dispensed.
• April 27: Police took a late report of a hit-n-split in the 1800 block of Main. No word on the inflicted carnage.
• April 27: Police took a larceny report for jewelry and property from citizens in the 100 block of Luzon, which sounds like another inside job, for as Charlie Chan never said, “When jewelry pinched, look first at closest fingers.”
• April 27: An apparent family feud erupted about 2:45 p.m. in the 2500 block of Greenwood. According to logs, a 23-year-old grandson was arrested for allegedly injuring his 65-year-old grandfather, who was also cited and released for allegedly brandishing a deadly weapon at the no doubt recalcitrant whippersnapper.
• April 27: Police were called at 10:40 p.m. to a disturbance in the 700 block of Market. A 52-year-old bent fellow was tossed to the nick for allegedly being schnockered.
Pismo Beach
• May 7: An open door on an electrifying Tesla was reported in the California Fresh parking lot was reported. Everything checked out, and the car owners left.
• May 7: A caller on the 200 block of Boeker reported a male carrying a radio was claiming to be a police officer. The caller had been sitting outside with his dog when Joe Friday walked by and said “dog owner” several times.
• May 6: A man at the Edgewater Inn refused to leave after spending the night in one of the rooms with a friend. The so-called friend had left and the guy had nowhere to go. He was advised to mosey on and no doubt find new friends.
• May 6: An angry guest at the Sea Garden Motel was yelling at an employee at the front desk asking for his money back. He was evicted.
• May 4: A caller on the 100 block of Dolliver requested to speak to an officer regarding someone who had threatened her with a gun the day before, but no weapon was seen.
• May 4: A caller on the 300 block of Haborview reported a backpack containing schoolbooks, and iPad and other items were stolen from the back of a truck.
• May 4: Some graffidiot wrote things some words and drew several penises throughout the Pismo Tunnel.
• May 4: A woman in a car with the emergency lights blinking on James Way appeared to be passed out. As it turns out, she was reviewing her to-do list, which must have been a long one.
• May 4: A report of came in of two adults smoking a bong in a car with children in the back in front of CVS. Everything checked out okay, they were in fact holding a bait pen, which isn’t normally confused with a bong, but maybe the caller had spent some time with Mary Jane.
• May 4: Between 100 and 120 polo shirts were stolen from the Tommy Hilfiger store. The total loss was about $8,400.
• May 3: Grover police dropped off a tanked guy at Motel 6. After officers left, he urinated outside the motel room and was yelling at other guests. Staff told him to take it inside, but he wouldn’t.
• May 2:A female on the 100 block of Dolliver reported that she had fallen and couldn’t get up. She said she didn’t want Cal Fire or medics to respond. Apparently, she wasn’t a Life Alert subscriber.
• May 2: A guy threatened to stab a bartender at Harry’s and left. He came back, because they always do, and was busted for being drunk in public.
San Luis Obispo
• May 8: A man called at 12:36 a.m. from Monterey and Johnson and said two men and two women were inside his car and refuse to leave. At 1:20 p.m. officers responded to the 600 block of Henderson where a woman said there was a strange man in their sunroom who refuses to leave. Her husband was trying to talk sense into the 24-year-old bonehead, who was naturally schnockered and taken to the nick.
• May 7: Police were called at 8:06 a./m. to Denny’s on Madonna where two grand slams were about to pound each other in the rear parking lot. No weapons were reported seen.
• May 7: Police were called at 8:15 p.m. to the Marsh Street Parking Lot where a transient man had worn out his welcome up on the third level. Logs indicated he was cited and released for trespassing, in a publicly-owned parking garage, and you thought paying taxes ensures your Rights.
• May 7: Some scoundrel boosted a car out of the Irish Hills Hamlet neighborhood on LOVR.
• May 7: Police were called at 8:54 a.m. by someone at Sinsheimer Park who reported a naked man was riding a bicycle on the bike trail behind the park, now there’s an image you don’t want in your head. Ol’ Willie Godiva was heading towards French Hospital, or maybe County Mental Health? The Streak was gone when police arrived.
• May 7: A citizen called police at 10:05 a.m. from the area of LOVR and Diablo who said some devil road-ragin’ redneck in a pick up truck tried to run her off the road. A second road rage call came in at 1:31 p.m. from Oak and Santa Rosa but that moron was gone.
• May 7: At 10:12 a.m. someone in the 3033 block of Augusta reported a car parked in the fire lane, a case of where the heck is there left to park?
• May 7: Someone at the Senior Center in Mitchell Park called at 10:30 a.m. to complain because a transient man came inside twice asking for food, and let’s hope it wasn’t Jesus in disguise.
• May 7: Someone reported a mattress was left on the side of Stenner Street. Three couches and two tables were left at McMillan and Morrison, and in the 2700 block of Morrison three bottles of kerosene and a BBQ were left in the roadway.
• May 7: Some horse’s a** abandoned a horse trailer in the 1100 block of Vista Lago.
• May 7: At 12:08 p.m. police were called to the 1000 block of Olive where two suspicious men and a woman were sitting in an older, gold, 4-door sedan and it appeared like the woman was trying to make $20 the hard way.
• May 7: Someone called at 12:10 p.m. from the Palm Street parking garage and said a man and woman were screaming at each other. Logs indicated the 21-year-old fellow was arrested for suspicion of grand theft auto and possessing stolen items, which turned out to be license plates taken out of Paso Robles, as the master criminal went to the hoosegow, and she will no doubt go bail him out.
• May 7: At 1:07 p.m. someone reported a traffic hazard at Nipomo and Higuera. A man was standing in the middle of the road and applauding, no doubt calling for an encore.
• May 7: Police responded to the 3400 block of Higuera where a citizen said he or she tracked their stolen cell phone to a student at the Tevelde Conservatory.
• May 7: Police were called to a disturbance at 1:51 p.m. in the Palm-Mill street alley. Logs indicated a woman was screaming that she has “NOWHERE TO GO!!!” She left before police gave her somewhere to go — the Parkinson Plaza.
• May 7: Police were called by a man at Denny’s on Madonna who said earlier, he was at a sandwich shop on Olive Street and was punched in the nose by the owner, apparently Mr. Pickles and he no doubt did nothing to deserve it.
• May 7: Someone called police at 5:46 p.m. to report a fuzzucked fellow was being more disgusting to passers by than where he was standing — Bubble Gum Alley.
• May 7: Police were called at 8 p.m. to the 3900 block of Higuera where two protestors were picketing inside Trader Joe’s, a case of people will picket anything these days. At 1:20 a.m. that night, they got a report of a woman throwing trash at the front door and making “rude hand gestures.” As the protest apparently turns ugly.
• May 7: Someone called at 9:37 p.m. from the 200 block of N. Tassajara. Logs indicated the caller said it sounded like a hazing was in progress with a lot of yelling, cussing and name calling — “Thank you sir, may I have another?” — police determined it wasn’t against the law.
• May 5: Police were called to Peets Coffee in the 1000 block of Court for a ranting woman inside the shop, just what one wants at 6:32 a.m. Six minutes later, a block away at Palm and Osos, a transient woman was reportedly walking into traffic, different MO but could be the same fruit-loop dingus.
• May 4: Police were called at 7:47 a.m. to the 1100 block of Oceanaire for a theft report. A woman said her apparently creepy neighbor went into her backyard and stole her patio umbrella, showing once again that people will steal anything.
• May 4: Police were called at 8:19 a.m. to the 1100 block of Walnut where someone had stalled a silver, late-model sedan in front of a mosque.
• May 4: A woman in town called police at 8:30 a.m. to say she was concerned about her son, and no doubt so is the rest of the village.
• May 4: Police were called at 9:39 a.m. to Santa Rosa and Palm where some woman was standing in the street blocking cars. The speed bump was gone when officers arrived. At 9:49, someone in the area of Mo Tav in the 700 block of Higuera said another whack-a-doodle was screaming and yelling, hitting the walls and going berserk in the street. And over in Mitchell Park someone reported a guy was already schwasted in public at 10:17.
• May 4: Police took a report of alleged sexual assault at the stationhouse on Walnut, in the sometimes not-so Happiest Place on Earth.
• May 4: A citizen in the 1300 block of Cavalier called at 12:30 p.m. to report seeing a strange young man jump over the neighbor’s fence. The fence-jumpin’ hooligan was gone when police arrived at 1.
• May 4: Someone called 9-1-1 at 2:55 p.m. to report some bump-on-a-log transient woman sitting in the driveway of an apartment complex next to French Hospital. The call was dispatched at 3:25 and the officer arrived at 3:33, and she was shooed away.
• May 4: The Church of Later Day Saints on Foothill asked for extra patrols, as the God-fearing gotta worry about the devil.
• May 4: Police got a report of an animal problem at 4:41 p.m. from the 3800 block of Higuera. Logs said an apparently gruff Billy goat was in the road again.
• May 4: Police responded at 8:33 p.m. to Best Buy on Madonna where a customer was yelling at the employees and refusing to leave, in this week’s latest example of why we need SWAT.
• May 4: A citizen in the 1500 block of Madonna called 9-1-1 at 11:21 p.m. to complain about marijuana smoke coming through the apartment walls from his or her pothead neighbor, which if true makes Cheech & Chong look like Pat Boone.
• May 4: Someone called at 11:58 a.m. to report a truck on Hwy 101 North between Madonna and Marsh was parked on the shoulder on fire.