• Sept. 11: Police got a complaint at 6:39 a.m. of noisy construction work every morning on Toro Street behind the Haggens Store on Johnson. Naturally, all was quiet when police arrived, like a Bugs Bunny cartoon or something.
• Sept. 11: Police got a call at 6:06 a.m. from Napa Auto Parts on Marsh about a tall, white, homeless man in a flannel shirt with a gray beard, hawked up a loogie on the caller’s window. Police couldn’t find the rogue spitter.
• Sept. 11: A citizen in the 700 block of Palm called at 2:32 a.m. to report hearing two women screaming at each other. Police couldn’t find the banshees.
• Sept. 11: Someone reported a disturbance at 1:48 a.m. at the Mustang Village student-housing asylum. The inmates were quiet on arrival.
• Sept. 11: At 1:16 a.m. officers contacted a young devil at Marsh and Chorro and the 22-year-old reveler was arrested for suspicion of being thick as a tick in public. Some 15 minutes later, someone reported another future leader was whooping it up at Monterey and Morro. The 23-year-old juice weasel went to the hoosegow as well, though it’s unknown if they car pooled.
• Sept. 10: Police responded at 10:41 p.m. to Mo Tav in the 700 block of Higuera for a report of a bent fellow causing a ruckus. Logs indicated they arrested the 27-year-old zonzo for suspicion of brandishing a weapon other than a firearm.
• Sept. 10: Someone reported a disturbance at 10 p.m. in the 1100 block of Foothill. Logs indicated the caller’s ex-roommate kicked in his or her window and refuses to leave, which no doubt explains the “ex” part.
• Sept. 10: At 9:17 p.m. someone in the 3200 block of Higuera reported smoke billowing up out of the creek behind Padre Deli. The illegal burn was dealt with without arrest, as the mice with matches no doubt scattered when the sirens blared.
• Sept. 19: Someone called at 9 p.m. from the 100 block of Suburban Ln., and reported transients camping outside the Spice Hunter, and won’t police pepper them out of here.
• Sept. 10: Someone called at 7:51 p.m. from the 900 block of Leff and said water was seeping up from the street and covering half the block, as the best laid conservation plans prove worthless once again when Mr. Murphy rears his ugly head.
• Sept. 10: A vigilant citizen called 9-1-1 at 7:35 p.m. to report a vehicle parked the wrong way on Pismo at Chorro. Officers cited the anarchist.
• Sept. 10: Someone called at 7:17 p.m. from the 600 block of Higuera where some transient man was harassing customers and refusing to get the hell out of McClintock’s Saloon.
• Sept. 10: A man called police at 6:40 p.m. from the 1100 block of Pacific and said a disturbed woman swung a baseball bat at him, and thank God she can’t hit a curveball.
• Sept. 10: Police were called at 6:37 p.m. to the 700 block of Foothill for a possibly mentally deranged woman in the parking lot at Haggens “yelling and cussing at no one in particular.”
• Sept. 10: Police were called at 6 p.m. to the 2900 block of Broad for a report of three people smoking crack in front of Staples, where you’d have to be high on crack to do that.
• Sept. 10: At 5:33 p.m. a woman in the 2600 block of Augusta reported her purse was stolen from inside her house, no doubt a chill riding up her spine with the telling.
• Sept. 10: Police were called at 5:22 p.m. to the 3300 block of Broad to check the welfare of a transient man who said he was going to kill himself. Naturally, the woeful fellow didn’t stick around for help to arrive.
• Sept. 10: Police were called at 4:30 p.m. to Mo Tav in the 700 block of Higuera because three transient men were pouring beer into energy drinks and causing a disturbance, which is probably inevitable.
• Sept. 10: Someone called police at 3 p.m. from the 600 block of Higuera and said there was a transient man standing in the street outside Rocket Fizz. The speed bump was contacted and no doubt advised to “Get the hell out of the street!”
• Sept. 10: Someone called at 2 p.m. from the 700 block of Marsh at Brosh Sandwich Co., and said a transient creep keeps coming into the store and yelling at the female employees, which could lead to getting a surprise ingredient in your sandwich.
• Sept. 10: Police were out posting transient camps by French Park in the 1000 block of Fuller. Logs said the camps were on a trail under the railroad tracks, apparently not far enough out of sight to be out of mind.
• Sept. 10: Police responded at 9 a.m. to the 1300 block of Beach where a citizen saw a transient swine pinchin’ a lobe in Emerson Park, in the latest example of why we need SWAT.
• Sept. 10: Police were called at 7:34 a.m. to Madonna and Tonini for a report of a transient man harassing children as they walk to school, in the latest threat to lunch money.
