“I am an ALCOHOLIC.”
“When I first mumbled those words at the age of 65, I was embarrassed and shocked. But relieved as well. I had found a way out of the hole I was lost in.
I had used alcohol starting in college. I drank frequently and too much at times over the following years. In my forties, I began to have a daily glass of wine, then a daily martini, then 2-3 martinis, and then I stopped counting. I began to feel more and more isolated as my life narrowed to work and drinking. I could not understand why no matter how much I wanted to; I could not get through a day without alcohol.
I thought that I was ok because I never drank at work, never went to work drunk and never got a DUI. Most people had no clue of the darkness I was sinking into. I remained competent and productive at work and a never got drunk in public. However, despite never experiencing all of those public consequences, I could no longer feel joy or laughter in my life. I was lonely, sad, and trapped in a cycle I could not understand or break out of by myself.
AA saved my life, gave me tools that have made living worthwhile again and a new joy and passion for living. I am so thankful to be sober.”
~Donna
—
“I grew up in a nice family. We ate dinner together and went to church. Somehow, I learned that perfection was the ideal to strive for. Anything less caused me shame. I had to pretend that I had the answers. When I became a healthcare practitioner, this intensified, as I also told myself that I help others, but don’t need any help from others. I had Alcoholics on one side of my family, but none in my immediate family. Imagine my surprise when, going through a divorce, I found myself drinking on a daily basis to deal with the embarrassment and pain. I was further shocked when my attempts to cut down were unsuccessful. I had been successful my whole life, and now, mid 30’s, I am all of a sudden falling apart? Why couldn’t I just apply the same discipline and self-will that I had used for tackling many other challenges, and control my drinking? Obviously, I couldn’t ask for help, because I ‘shouldn’t need help’ ! Unfortunately, this kept me sick for longer than was necessary. That’s because, the illness that I have, Alcoholism, is a disease of loneliness and isolation. I could not quit on my own. It wasn’t until I had tried and failed enough times, and created some significant damage to my life and career that I was able to accept that I couldn’t do this alone. My life was a dead end. I needed help. Alcoholics Anonymous accepted me into the group, and surprisingly, were not shocked and offended at the things that I was so ashamed of. Instead, they smiled knowingly, and sometimes even laughed when I shared my experiences. They told me I was sick and not bad. I knew I wasn’t alone. Other people had my problem, AND were able to stop destroying their lives. Once I accepted that I needed help, a whole new world opened to me. I have not only been able to stop drinking. I rarely even think of drinking, and my life has a richness to it that it never had when I had to pretend not to need anyone. Using the 12 steps, I have dealt with my past honestly and can now look the world in the eye, where before, my eyes were downcast in fear and shame. I face my days with curiosity and the willingness to shoulder the responsibilities that arise. I have confidence that my future holds unknown adventures, beyond my imagination, and I trust that I will be able to face whatever difficulties arise. I don’t have to face life alone, because I have learned to reach out for help. I get to see others benefit from my experiences that I once thought I would hide forever. I get to have satisfying relationships with give AND take. I’m grateful every day for Alcoholics Anonymous.”
~ Polly M.
—
When I walked into AA, I was spent. Like most newcomers I sat in the very back on an old pew. I couldn’t speak without crying. I felt sad, alone, apart from, and tired. I was so tired. I was living in a hotel room with my teenage child. I had a couple of boxes and suitcases that were filled with the remnants of a life that was so far removed it felt like a dream.
In 2011 I was assaulted. This assault sent my spiral down into overdrive. By 2014 I had been institutionalized 5 times. Each time I was suicidal and drowning myself in alcohol. Each drink was justified by the assault. I always blamed the assault. It was a carousel I would ride for 3 1/2 years. I was given medication for every symptom I had. I soon learned which ones would enhance the effects of alcohol. The lethal combination sent me drifting in front of a semi and taken by Life Flight to the hospital. I spent 22 more days institutionalized. It was the assault.
The geographic relocation:
After having exhausted everything and everyone I moved to the West Coast. I had “the love of my life” waiting for me with open arms. It took 2 1/2 months for those arms to become a rigid wall of disdain as I drank myself into a depressed stupor and ended up on suicide watch one more time. All promises broken and nowhere to go, I finally got honest about my drinking and the psychiatrist suggested AA. That was almost 2 years ago.
Sitting on that pew listening to people share their experience strength and hope I began to feel better. Hearing things like “easy does it”, “go to meetings”, “don’t drink between meetings”, “do the next indicated thing”, and “let go/let God”, one day at a time, my mind became clearer. I started to smile. I went to work then started a business. I rented a room in a home until I could afford a place of our own. I was getting it. Working through steps, having a sponsor, going to meetings, being of service, and a strong connection to my higher power has given me a good life.
Difficulties in sobriety:
In February, I was on my way to have some tests. My friend asked whether I would drink if I received bad news. Without hesitation I said, “No. I wouldn’t want to mess up whatever time I had left”. I added, “I really love my sober life”. Six weeks later the news was in. Stage IV colorectal cancer. Metastasized in liver and abdomen. The journey is tough. Thank God I have a program, twelve steps, a God I understand, and the love and support from my family in Alcoholics Anonymous. They hold me up when I am down. I reach out and they reach in. I can’t imagine my life without them or WITH alcohol. That’s the miracle of AA.
~Dawn D.
