Valentine’s Day. Out of 365 days of the year, we decided to mark one that for some, celebrates the idea of love and affection. For others, this day may highlight just how vacant their love life is. Love or hate it, it’s here to stay.
What is it that causes us to behave the way we do with our partners? Our parent’s behavior in their relationship clearly affects how we often behave in ours. Even in families with only one parent – or none, we will model how to behave in relationships off of those adults around us. Are you the silent, aloof one that plays it cool? Or maybe you are the one that texts incessantly, always having the “other” on your mind. How does jealously factor in and why are some people threatened by intimacy?
There is a theory of behavior that puts our actions into two dominant categories. It’s like being right handed or left handed. We use them both, dependent on what we are doing, yet one is the most comfortable and natural.
The first type I’ll explain is what we call Physical Sexuality. This type of person generally doesn’t mind being the center of attention, they actually might thrive on it. They talk to strangers easily, find eye contact comfortable and usually have a high need for physical contact. When there has been an argument, they are usually the first to apologize and when they feel the relationship is threatened by an internal or external force, this is apt to trigger their physical behavior more. They don’t fear confrontation because they see it a resolution to the perceived threat and they protect their emotions by putting their bodies out there first. Subconsciously they fear being rejected.
The other type is what we call Emotional Sexuality. This type of person generally shies away from the spotlight, content with letting others shine. They prefer the silent anonymity. They are open and talkative with those they already know but don’t open up to just everyone. When they are stressed, their need for physical contact lessens as they are preoccupied with intellectually processing and sometimes ruminate incessantly over details. To physically touch this person when they are in this heightened state is often met with a subconscious “brush off” with their body actually tensing up more. They avoid confrontation because it is emotionally exhausting (and scary) and they seek to protect their bodies with their emotions so they tend to retreat deeper into silence. To come on stronger to them at this time is likely to trigger their emotional behavior even more because they subconsciously fear losing control or being controlled.
If we want to understand why our relationships have deteriorated in the past, it is important to know what subconsciously triggers our behaviors that aren’t working for us. For some, there has been emotional and physical abuse that creates defenses that keep us from being our most balanced, free selves. For others, maybe their younger years were free from such trauma, but through life experiences and relationships their behavior becomes exaggerated.
Sometimes, distortions are created in the subconscious mind (I’m not good enough, etc.) and keep us stuck in the cycle of repeating the same old patterns and picking the same type of partners. This often presents as people coming out of an unhealthy relationship, only to end up in another. Or maybe they find a wonderful partner, only to end up acting out defensively to the new partner when there is no reason to.
Only roughly five percent of our behaviors are conscious. That’s right, five percent, so that 95% that’s left is running the show. It’s our programming, so to speak. Our well intentioned logic, reason and knowledge (conscious thinking) just doesn’t stand a chance. Those deeply held emotional and conditioned responses (sub conscious) just keep popping up.
So this Valentine’s Day, if you find yourself alone or in a less than ideal relationship, go easy on yourself and maybe even your partner. We are all operating with programming that could use updating. With self- awareness and a little help, you can create a little more love in your life.
Gila Zak, C.Ht. is an honors graduate of HMI College of Hypnotherapy. Her office is in Los Osos and she can be reached at QuantumWavesHypnotherapy.com or at 805.704.
