Arroyo Grande

April 12: A traffic stop on the 100 block of Juniper resulted in an arrest for a suspended license and false registration tags. Too make it more fun, the guy was on probation and allegedly had a meth pipe, marijuana and pepper spray in the car.

April 11: A car on the 100 block of Courtland was stolen right in front of the owner. The car was later located.

April 8: Some guy on the 500 block of Ide Street was demanding entry to a the home of someone who has a restraining order against him. A woman answered and told him to leave, to which he reportedly responded, “I am Jehovah, and I am here to kill you.”

April 7: A juvenile on West Branch was in possession of cocaine. Ahhh… youth.

Morro Bay

• April 10: Police were called to the 500 block of Embarcadero after someone apparently extracted the tourist tax and stole a woman’s purse out of her car.

• April 9: Police responded to a senior housing facility in the 1500 block of Teresa Dr., for a report of battery between two patients. No arrests and the fight was apparently declared a draw.

• April 9: Police and paramedics responded to the 1500 block of Quintana for a report of a 68-year-old man passing out while swimming. He was dog paddled to French Hospital.

• April 9: Police responded at 12:34 a.m. to a report of a burglary in progress in the 400 block of Anchor. Logs indicated they found no evidence of a burglary. Then at 1:10 a.m. in the 2800 block of Alder they got another report of vandalism to a door, as the phantom strikes again.

• April 7: Police contacted a Fresnoid in the Morro Rock parking lot and arrested the fiend for suspicion of being higher than the Rock on drugs, which is saying something considering that he had earlier in the day been caught climbing Morro Rock, and had to be rescued via CHP helicopter. However, supposedly his adventure to propose to his girl via smart phone from atop the monolith was successful, though not the smartest way to go about it.

• April 7: At 1:53 p.m. a woman at a motel in the 200 block of Beach said someone got into her locked motel room and stole her stuff, which sounds like an inside job. Earlier, at 1 p.m. police found a suitcase abandoned in the 700 block of Quintana. And to add confusion to the mystery, at 12:30 p.m. in the 700 block of Quintana police arrested a 29-year-old mope for allegedly being high on dope, possession of dope and paraphernalia.

• April 4: Police responded to Bayshore Bluffs Park, where an elderly man was hurt when he tripped and fell. Officers documented the incident for the lawsuit to follow.

• April 4: Police responded to Lila Keiser Park at noon after some mutt stole a dog.

• April 4: Someone got into an unlocked garage in the 2600 block of Juniper and stole a portable generator, generating a crime report.

• April 4: Someone turned over a rifle for safekeeping that they were aiming to be rid of. Someone else turned in some ammo, as gun control takes another baby step.

• April 3: Someone stole a purse out of a car at Lemos Ranch in the 1300 block of Main and the thief wasted little time, as logs indicated “Fraudulent transactions have since occurred on (victim’s) banking accounts.”

• April 2: Police responded at 11:41 p.m. to a disturbance in the 1800 block of Mindoro Way. Logs indicated they arrested a 24-year-old man and a 23-year-old woman for “mutual domestic battery” and tossed both ruffians into County Jail.

• April 2: Someone reported losing a diamond bridal ring set in the 800 block of Market, as wedded bliss gets off to a blistered start.

• April 2: Some tomb raider broke into a storage unit in the 300 block of Kodiak.

• April 2: A woman in the 2500 block of Laurel said there was a thief amongst the bargain hunters, as her cell phone was stolen during a garage sale.

• April 2: Someone broke into a business in the 600 block of Harbor damaging an interior door, but apparently didn’t find anything worth stealing.

• April 1: Police contacted a suspicious 45-year-old man at the high school on Atascadero Road who of course had three warrants and violated the City’s anti-sleeping-where-they-can’t-collect-a-tax law. He was checked into the Parkinson Plaza. His apparent partner in homelessness, a 27-year-old woman had a warrant but was cited and released for disturbing the peace, on her no doubt solemn promise to appear, because the little ones get tossed back.

• March 30: The Coroner’s Office was busy in town with three cases turned over to them by police. The first was March 28 at 12:33 p.m. in the 400 block of Rennel. The next was a man discovered parked in a pick-up truck in the 1200 block of Embarcadero March 29 at 10 a.m. and the third was a 91-year-old resident of a care facility in the 1400 block of Teresa Dr., on March 31. Apparently none were deemed foul play.

Pismo Beach

April 10: A person curled up in a sleeping bag at the end of the pier around 1 a.m. was told to scram.

April 10: An ongoing un-neighborly dispute on the 300 block of Hinds resulted in a 9-1-1 call after a dumb argument over a stupid bike being put in the freaking garage, and Nero fiddled while Rome burned.

April 10: Police were unable to locate anyone on the 200 block of Pomeroy after a caller reported their ex-boyfriend and another man were outside saying they would hurt the caller.

April 10: Two sets of golf clubs were stolen from a car on the first block of Paseo Ladera.

April 10: Some dude was drunk and refused to leave the Outlet Center. He wasn’t drunk enough to get hauled in, but he did have a cut on his wrist and an officer administered first aid.

April 10: A man was reportedly in the bushes near the tennis courts at the Inn at the Cove. When police arrived, the guy appeared confused and ran away. He was detained, but refused to give any personal information.

April 10: An investigator looking into the Pismo Food Store for undisclosed reasons, reported being roughed up by the owner. He reportedly grabbed the caller by the jacket and told him to stop taking pictures and cussed at him. The caller left the store, but his boss told him to go back and take more photos. The second time in, the boorish owner allegedly kicked a level out of the caller’s hands.

April 9: A possible DIP (drunk in public) man and woman were reported in Pismo Coast Village. The uncouth fellow was seen rolling in the dirt and then urinated in public. What a catch, no doubt made your momma proud.

April 9: A caller on the 100 block of Valley View reported that an unknown man was trying to open her back gate, and her husband chased him away. When police arrived at the home no one answered the door. The caller called back later and said that the man trying to break in was her father. She said she didn’t tell police that because he had a scanner and was likely listening to it. She said she didn’t open the door for police because her family would deny her father had been there. She was advised to give dispatch all the information the first time when reporting a crime. A few hours later she called back to report the prodigal father was baaack.

April 8: A reckless driver slammed into planter boxes on Price and Pomeroy, and then took off leaving the plants to fend for themselves. Officers caught up with the suspected vehicle on Bello Street. Both airbags had been deployed and a front tire had come off.

April 8: Call homeland security, a woman in her 20s and carrying a suitcase was walking near the Hind’s overpass. She checked out OK.

April 8: A caller on the 1300 block of Costa del Sol blew a fuse when a man came to her door claiming to be an electrician who had a work order for her address. The dim bulb was at the wrong house.

April 8: An open line call came in and a man could be heard saying, “Hello Siri” and then hang up. On call back, no one answered, as Siri was no doubt in hidig.

San Luis Obispo

• April 15: At 5:51 a.m. a woman in the 1700 block of San Luis Dr., called to report a possible tosspot knocking on her door and it apparently wasn’t her husband who wasn’t home yet. The schnockered knocker apparently knackered it off.

• April 15: At 4:39 a.m. police were asked to check the welfare of a man at Osos and Monterey who was lying half naked on the sidewalk. No word on whether it was the top or bottom half, now try getting that image out of your head… Ten minutes earlier, a worker at Starbucks in the 3900 block of Higuera wanted to go to work but three suspicious transient men were loitering about. Police shooed away the slackers.

• April 15: At 3 a.m. a man at the El Tigre Apts., told police he saw some scrounger messing around with the residents’ bikes.

• April 15: A citizen called at 2:11 a.m. from the 3000 block of Higuera to report a transient woman sitting on his front porch talking to herself. Officers couldn’t find her, as she apparently talked herself into getting the heck out of there.

• April 15: A citizen called at 1:24 a.m. from the 3900 block of Higuera because his or her roommate’s father was sleeping in the backyard, an apparent case of being in the doghouse with your child.

• April 14: A citizen called at 11:22 p.m. from Pismo and Osos to report a suspicious man unzipping the ragtop on a Jeep. The 18-year-old miscreant was arrested for suspicion of burglary and vandalism.

• April 14: Police were called to Devaul Park on Spooner at 11:21 p.m., to stuff some hoopster playing basketball. Meanwhile at 11:16, someone complained about a guy sleeping in an Econoline van in the 600 block of Branch, no doubt he snores?

• April 14: A burglar alarm sounded at 11 p.m. in the 900 block of California, tripping the alarm in the basement, then the kitchen. Some larcenous wienie had possibly broken into Frank’s Famous Hot Dogs, but it was a false alarm.

• April 14: Some sneak thief made off with the cashbox for Louisa’s Place’s Farmer’s Market booth.

• April 14: At 7:09 p.m., someone had had enough of two boorish people loitering outside Conserve Fuel on Santa Rosa and yelling at customers. Police taught them some manners.

• April 14: Someone called at 5:53 p.m. from Santa Barbara and Broad to report a suspicious stumblebum carrying a 2-foot pipe, capped on both ends. The suspected pie-eyed piper gave police the slip.

• April 14: At 5:23 p.m. in the 1800 block of Vicente a regular Mrs. Kravitz called because a silver, Rav 4 was parked blocking her neighbor’s driveway, in this week’s example of why we need SWAT.

• April 14: A citizen reported a man selling the evil weed to juveniles at Orcutt and Laurel. Police couldn’t find the anti-Christ.

• April 14: Someone at Barnes & Noble called at 4:21 p.m. to report some transient ruffian getting in the faces of passersby. Mr. Congeniality was gone.

• April 14: San Luis High officials are no doubt shocked after someone stole a heart defibrillator.

• April 14: A citizen called at 11:33 from the SESLOC branch on LOVR after some thief made a withdrawal from his or her vehicle about 20 minutes prior.

• April 14: An elderly woman in the 800 block of Higuera at the Wineman Hotel called at 11:13 a.m. because a strange transient man walked into her apartment and asked to use the bathroom, no doubt a homeland security issue.

• April 15: Someone on California Boulevard called at 9:12 a.m. and said some dingus driving like an idiot nearly caused three accidents.