Arroyo Grande
• April 4: A caller asked police to check the welfare of a female who hadn’t shown up for work after her ex told someone that he was going to kill her.
• April 4: A caller reported that there was a problem with pornography at Paulding Middle School — teen-aged boys, no doubt.
• April 3: A caller on the 500 block of Carmella Drive reported a case of unsafe shooting after finding an arrow in her yard and a broken window. The neighbor was practicing archery with her daughter and was unaware of the bulls-eye he or she hit on the window.
Morro Bay
• April 5: Police responded to a family disturbance at 6:30 p.m. in the 500 block of Mimosa. A 46-year-old man was arrested for alleged reckless discharge of a firearm, and was then taken to the hospital for a self-inflicted gunshot wound and let’s hope his aim doesn’t improve any time soon.
• April 5: At 11:45 p.m. police were sent to a domestic disturbance in the 900 block of Pacific. Two battleaxes had gotten into a catfight and of course once they were separated neither wanted to press charges or have medical treatment. One grabbed her stuff and took off, no doubt plotting her revenge all the way home.
• April 4: A citizen in the 600 block of Avalon reported the theft of $3,000-$4,000 in cash, which sounds like a possible inside job.
• April 3: Police responded at 2:14 p.m. to a disturbance in the 3200 block of Main. Logs indicated they arrested some hothead for allegedly causing damage to the apartment and ripping the cable lines out of the walls, as he no doubt couldn’t find something to watch on TV. The guy gave police a statement and left restoring the peace, well almost… Police were called back to the residence at 1:24 a.m. (April 4) and this time the 30-year-old crapulous fellow got hauled to the nick for being thick as a tick.
• April 4: At 12:15 a.m. police were called to a disturbance at Bonita and Main where they arrested a 24-year-old model citizen for suspicion of being schwasted in public.
• April 4: Rite Aid reported the theft of $1,112.8, no doubt consisting of two prescriptions and a fifth of tequila.
• March 31: Police and paramedics were called at 8:30 a.m. to the 1000 block of Main St., where an elderly woman tripped on the sidewalk and landed in the hospital. A report was taken for the lawsuit sure to follow.
• March 31: At 4:19 p.m. police responded to the 700 block of Quintana, where two parked cars jumped in front of a woman driver.
• March 31: At 4:17 p.m. police contacted a tipsy fellow in the 700 block of Harbor St., and took the 51-year-old rotter to the hoosegow.
• March 31: Police responded at 5:37 p.m. to the 300 block of Nevis where a citizen had reportedly overdosed on heroin. The over-hopped-up hype was taken to the hospital. Police reportedly found a backpack with “illegal narcotics and burglary tools,” which they held for “observation” in case the schmoe wants it back. And on April 1 at 6 p.m. police went to a disturbance in the 400 block of Nevis and arrested a boisterous boozer for suspicion of being deep in his cups.
• March 30: Some scoundrel stole a kid’s bike from Del Mar Elementary School in the 500 block of Sequoia, no word on whether the kid locked it up like his parents told him to.
• March 30: Police contacted a swizzle stick traipsing up the 700 block of Quintana at 12:21 p.m. The 52-year-old lady sot was tossed to the nick for suspicion of being well-oiled.
Pismo Beach
• April 9: Someone with a flashlight was reported on the 100 block of Main at about 2:30 a.m. It turned out to be a can collector who had been advise about an hour earlier after going through a dumpster on the 2600 block of Shell Beach Road.
• April 9: Some low-rent fellow tried to pay for an order at Denny’s with counterfeit $5 bills.
• April 9: Police were unable to locate a suspicious man in his 40s reportedly watching children on Spyglass Drive. He was pointing at children, following them and talking to himself.
• April 9: A woman called to report, “My brother’s been kidnapped!” and then hung up.
• April 9: A dog that had bolted from a room at the Sea Crest Resort was reunited with its human.
• April 7: A caller on the 700 block of White Oaks reported that “hooligans” threw garbage all over her driveway. Barbecue sauce and rotten food were tossed onto her car too.
• April 7: Fire personnel were dispatched for an ocean rescue to help a guy in the water clinging to a pier piling. The guy made it to shore.
• April 7: A caller reported leaving a candle burning in her home when she left the house. Neighbors were contacted who said they would snuff out the problem.
• April 6: Someone at Motel 6 reported getting a call from a man who whispered that something was going to happen at the motel. Before police left, two people were cited and released for some undisclosed crime. A third person wasn’t so lucky and was arrested for an outstanding warrant.
• April 6: A caller on the 400 block of San Luis reported that his vehicle had been broken into. He called back about 15 minutes later to report that his other car was also broken into and the master criminal left a jacket behind. In other Robin Hood news, a caller on the 300 block of Harbor View found a cell phone in his car that didn’t belong to him. A caller on the 300 block of Ocean said her car was broken into and a pair of sunglasses that didn’t belong to her had been left behind.
• April 6: Reading glasses were stolen from Rite Aid. The thief probably couldn’t see the price tag.
• April 6: A caller on the 700 block of Dolliver reported three juveniles smoking wacky-tobacky in front of his or her house. One stoner was cited and all parents were notified, which probably killed the buzz, man.
• April 6: Police were unable to locate a man sitting by a car in front of the Cap Cod Motel at about 11:30 p.m. The caller was concerned that the guy was sitting out in the cold.
• April 1: A caller was concerned that some kids on the side of 7-Eleven were selling weed. The little thugs were gone before police arrived.
San Luis Obispo
• April 8: Police were called to Osos and Monterey by County Mental Health officials who were taking a mental health patient to court for a hearing when he or she escaped.
• April 8: At 8:35 a.m. police were called to Wheeler-Smith Mortuary on South Higuera for some guy getting drunk in what isn’t the most lively of party spots. The soaked fellow was cited, no doubt with a toe tag to come sometime soon.
• April 8: Police responded at 1:20 p.m. to the 1000 block of Nipomo where some crazy fool was causing a ruckus at Ciopinot.
• April 8: Police were called to the Kristin Apts., in the 600 block of Chorro for a complaint of a woman living in a black truck parked in their lot, which normally goes for about $1,000 a month.
• April 8: Police were called to the high school at 1:25 p.m. where they were having a baseball tourney and some suspicious transients were hanging around. They were cited and released, possibly the first time that watching baseball was deemed loitering.
• April 8: Police responded wiki-wiki to the Creeky Tiki Bar in the 700 block of Higuera where some scarecrow was smoking the evil weed. The 32-year-old pothead had a warrant and was off to see the wizard.
• April 8: At 2:23 p.m. someone reported a man loitering on a bench outside Ross on the Higuera Street side, and GASP! He was smoking a cigarette, a hanging offense here in San Loco.
• April 8: A 2:51 p.m. police responded to the City/County Library at Palm and Osos where they found a most unusual bookmark — a baggie of marijuana — inside a returned book.
• April 8: At 9:10 p.m. someone reported a man and woman yelling in the parking lot of Vons on Broad. The man was reportedly saying “Hit me.” The masochist and the girl were gone when police arrived.
• April 8: Police got a 9-1-1 call at 10:24 p.m. from the Embassy Suites on Monterey. Logs indicated a sloshed woman with the munchies was on the line trying to order chicken tenders and no doubt fries, and a milkshake, oh, and a banana split…
• April 3: At 4:56 a.m. at the Travelodge on Monterey, someone reported a woman telling a man “stop touching me,” and the guy keeps touching her. Police got the hands-off message across.
• April 2: A guy called at 11:30 a.m. from Laurel and Augusta complaining of a skin problem, sometimes called the hee-bee geebies.
• April 2: Someone called police from the Social Security Office on Higuera to report a black woman in a long coat causing a disturbance. Then at 11:55, a guy called police from the 200 block of Higuera to report road rage — a woman in a Nissan Versa followed him to his house.
• April 2: At 12:46 p.m. a woman at Mitchell Park reported some creep threatened to kill her. He was apparently just some loudmouth. And speaking of blowhards, at 1:20 p.m. someone reported a man screaming profanities at the bus stop by Ratliff Welding and Machine shop, 200 block of Higuera.
• April 2: Police were called at 3:28 p.m. to Crystal Springs Water on Rockview because there was a brown snake underneath the caller’s friend’s truck and the big baby was afraid to get into the vehicle.
• April 2: Someone in the 100 block of Orange was seeing red over 12 frat boys playing a drinking game in the front yard, well at least it wasn’t on the roof.