Morro Bay
• March 20: Police went to Albertson’s on Quintana at 8:42 a.m. for a disturbance, trespassing and petty theft report. A 72-year-old woman was arrested and taken for a life-altering experience.
• March 20: Police contacted a gent causing a ruckus in the 700 block of Morro Bay Blvd., at 7:08 p.m. and arrested a 50-year-old sizzled fellow for allegedly being sporked in public.
• March 20: Someone pedaled off with a bicycle from the 1000 block of Market.
• March 19: Someone in the 600 block of Harbor reported the theft of plaques and boulders, proving once again that people will steal anything.
• March 19: Police responded to a disturbance at 11 p.m. in the 200 block of Atascadero Rd., and nicked a 61-year-old woman for suspicion of being higher than the stacks on drugs and possession.
• March 18: Police contacted two suspicious subjects at 8 p.m. in the 1700 block of Embarcadero. Each of the 42 and 39-year-old couple had warrants. They were both cited and released, as the wheels on the bus go round and round…
• March 17: Police contacted a 53-year-old man in the 700 block of Harbor after they saw he was off to meet the wizard in public. He was cited for public urination and released.
• March 17: Police noted a “general incident” generated “from an anonymous letter sent into the Police Department,” no doubt another fan letter from a satisfied customer.
• March 16: Someone in the 300 block of Sequoia reported a couple of runaway kids. They were picked up later by another agency and returned to their “parental guardians.” At 3 p.m. someone at the high school saw a student “living at YTP” in SLO leaving campus. His teacher deemed the kid a “runaway.” Police notified YTP and put the squirrel’s name out on the wire.
• March 16: Police and fire responded at 10:14 a.m. to Main and Hwy 41 for a single vehicle crash. A chain link fence and a street sign jumped in front of a 19-year-old Atascadero man.
• March 16: A citizen in the 2600 block of Main reported his bank checks stolen and passed at a local grocery store, no doubt an inside job.
• March 16: At 7:32 p.m. police responded to a restaurant in the 1200 block of Embarcadero and cited a 50-year-old woman for larceny after she didn’t have money to “pay for services received,” a possible case of sticker shock.

Pismo Beach
•March 25: A caller reported a woman on the 800 block of 4th Street was breathing but otherwise unresponsive. Sleepy was arrested for being drunk. In other breathing but not much else news, a man who had collapsed possibly due to overdosing on the 200 block of Irish Way was taken to the ER.
•March 25: A caller reported recording a fisherman on the pier overhead casting at suffers, no doubt he must have already caught his limit. The fisherman was issued a warning.
•March 25: Police were unable to locate some creepy guy who drove by the caller in the pier parking lot and asked her if she wanted to hang out with him. The loser lothairo tried the pick up line on two other girls and then got upset when they shot him down.
•March 25: A barefoot and shirtless panhandler at 7-Eleven was asked to leave but refused to. He was advised against trespassing.
•March 25: A dog on a leash with no human attached repeatedly showed up at the Ocean Palms Motel. The pooch kept going upstairs to a particular room. The dog was taken to the city yard. The humans came to pick up the dog but, oddly, had not been a guest at the motel.
•March 25: Some lug nut on Oceanview Avenue was detained after reporting that his ex had driven a car over his foot. He said that she was trying to steal his truck, so he pulled her out of the vehicle. Another caller reported that the man had, in fact, pulled the woman out of the truck and onto the ground. The feuding duo both took off leaving the vehicle behind. The woman was also busted for being drunk in public.
•March 24: Two lightweights were cited after stealing a 4-pack of hard lemonade from 7-Eleven.
•March 24: A caller on the 100 block of Stimson reported that when he had lived with his mother, she had used is social security number for Charter Cable. The guy recently opened a bank account and a credit card company contacted him about a charge he owed that was made when he was 13-years-old.
•March 24: In a slightly skewed attempt at street food, two guys on the 100 block of Leeward in a pickup truck with a freezer in the back were selling meat.
•March 24: Another match made in heaven was reported when a caller told police that a man was pulling a woman’s hair and shoving her up against a fence in the dirt parking lot downtown. The couple was hauled off for being drunk in public.
•March 23: Vehicles on both Fresno and Bakersfield streets were gone through and stuff was stolen, just like in the valley.
•March 23: A guy stealing from Pismo Market got nabbed after he was caught at Cool Cats drunk as a skunk. The caller declined prosecution, but karma came through in a pinch and the thief was nailed for being hammered in public.
•March 22: Police were flagged down after some guy who stole a 12-pack of beer from 7-Eleven. At about 2:45 a.m. police stopped a guy walking back to the store who said he wasn’t the shoplifter but was on his way to pay for the damage done.
•March 22: A woman grabbed a child from another woman near Harry’s and was busted for being drunk and no doubt given a lesson or two about being a role model.
•March 22: Two males, two females and two pit bulls were evicted from Quality Inn due to no fault of the dogs. The caller said that when the upstanding guests were leaving, one of them grabbed a bag that looked like a large amount of drug paraphernalia. The caller thought it was meth and a bunch of syringes.

San Luis Obispo
• March 27: Someone called at 3:30 a.m. from the 600 block of Johnson to report two men arguing over money, and no doubt next it’ll be over a girl.
• March 26: Police got a 9-1-1 trespassing call at 6:05 a.m. from the 1100 block of Pacific at Dr. Tway’s Office. Logs indicated some porch dog was sleeping on their back patio. He was shooed away without arrest. A half hour later, someone at Boo Boo’s caught some Yogi sleeping on the roof. He too escaped Mr. Ranger.
• March 26: Someone found contraband at the aptly named, San Luis High.
• March 26: Police responded at 7:43 a.m. to the Palm Street parking garage where some scoundrel tagged a couple of city-owned vehicles, which will no doubt now have to be replaced.
• March 26: At 8:51 a.m. suspicious subjects were reported by a statue at Higuera and Prado, who look like they just got finished pounding on each other. The pugnacious pugilists were gone when police arrive to referee, Round 2 no doubt set for that afternoon.
• March 26: In this week’s example of why we need SWAT, SLOPD got a message from the Sheriff’s Office at 11 a.m. that they were responding to the gate at Diablo Canyon in Avila Beach for “a group of protestors,” as apparently you can’t even trust peace activists any more. Meanwhile, 8 minutes later, someone at Starbucks on Madonna reported a man eating out of the garbage can and being obnoxious.
• March 26: At 11:37 a.m. police got a 9-1-1 call from the 2400 block of Ladera. Logs indicated an elderly woman was on the line, repeatedly saying, “Hello?” Hello?” “You’ll have to speak up dear…”
• March 26: Starting at 11:52 a.m. in rapid succession police got a call about a car with Arizona plates that had outlived its welcome on Quail Circle; a Mercedes was blocking a driveway on Osos; a silver Suzuki was parked in front of the courthouse but moved before they gave him a reason to go back; at 12:53 p.m. someone hit a utility pole at Broad and Orcutt; and at 2:12, a postman reported that a Ride On van hit his no doubt crappily-parked mail truck in a parking lot in the 1500 block of Marsh then hit the gas.
• March 26: At 2:35 p.m. someone at Kohl’s on Madonna reported a shoplifter had escaped and was last seen running towards McDonald’s, no doubt having a Big Mac attack.
• March 26: Someone at the Prado Road homeless daycare center, said a man left a small amount of marijuana on the front desk, guess they don’t take tips.
• March 26: Police were called at 3:42 p.m. to the 3800 block of Higuera to check the welfare of the caller’s 21-year-old son because he won’t come down off the roof, the lessons of St. Fratty’s Day apparently already forgotten. The call was cancelled.
• March 26: Police and firefighters responded at 4:38 p.m. to Broad and Tank Farm for a school bus vs. semi truck, non-injury collision.
• March 26: At 4:40 p.m. a Spanish-speaking woman called 9-1-1 from the 300 block of Elks and said her borracho esposo estás loco.
• March 26: At 5:14 p.m. a woman reported a blind man was walking down Marsh towards Chorro and she’s concerned for his safety, which is why they have talking crosswalks.
• March 26: And right on schedule police got a report at 6:10 p.m. of a disruptive fellow in Mission Plaza who must be on drugs. Logs indicated the 22-year-old model citizen was busted for suspicion of being UTI and possession. At 6:27, San Luis BBQ on Higuera reported a disruptive chap in a black T-shirt with “California” on it, and at 6:44 someone at Starbucks on Madonna reported two sots on the side of their building, one was passed out so you’d think he’d be easy to catch but both were gone, their Spidey sense no doubt kicking in.
• March 26: At 8:42 p.m. someone in the 500 block of Higuera at Foremost Wine Co., reported two people in a white van smoking the evil weed.
• March 26: Someone at the Holiday Inn Express on Monterey called at 8:52 p.m. and said a black, male adult came running into the lobby asking for water, then grabbed something and bolted out the door. Police couldn’t find the thirsty apparent thief.
• March 26: Someone called at 11:09 p.m. from Hathway Alley to report a transient man was hanging around and using a port-a-potty — for a change.
• March 25: At 1:19 a.m. police were called to a disturbance at a watering hole the 700 block of Higuera where some 24-year-old glowworm needed to be checked out of The Library.
• March 24: At 8:47 a.m. someone in Mission Plaza reported an urban camper behind Novo’s Restaurant with shaggy blond hair in the bushes by the creek bridge.
• March 24: Police responded at 9:50 a.m. to San Luis High for a report of simple assault, the back-story no doubt complicated.
• March 24: Someone called at 10:49 a.m. from the Strawberry Stand on LOVR to report a strange man standing outside the construction zone muttering to himself, no doubt griping about the construction, like everybody else. He was apparently harmless.
• March 24: At 1:16 p.m. police got a 9-1-1 hang-up call from Bishop’s Peak School on Jaycee. On call back it was determined to be a prank, those little hooligans.
• March 24: At 1:31 p.m. a citizen in the 900 block of Santa Rosa at the Austin Apartments, said his or her neighbors on Palm were moving out and leaving a bunch of free stuff behind, as the annual wildebeest migration begins anew.
• March 24: Someone reported a hit-n-split in the parking lot of Albertson’s on Foothill. The offending vehicle was a white VW Jetta, partial license plate of “4GJW???”
• March 24: At 3:23 p.m. Starbucks on Madonna had enough of a boorish fellow in a wheelchair, who’d been inside for hours.
• March 24: Police were called at 4 p.m. to Higuera and South about a disaster in the making — a transient man was riding a bicycle up the wrong side of the road against traffic and towing another bike.
• March 24: A citizen claimed that an employee at Nixon Tire in the 200 block of Higuera knocked him or her down and dragged them out of the business. Logs indicated it was unfounded, in yet another example that the customer is never right.
• March 24: At 5:16 p.m. someone reported three boys and two girls were gathered under the Jennifer Street Bridge smokin’ weed. They escaped Sgt. Stedenko this time.
• Marsh 24: At 6 p.m. police got a call from a man who’d checked in at the Travelodge on Monterey and had his whitey-tighties in a twist over some undisclosed boggle.
• March 24: Someone in the area of La Entrada and Ramona reported some fool screaming into his cell phone who sounds like he’s in distress. He was gone. At 8:51 at Archer & High someone reported three more idiots screaming their heads off.
• March 24: A woman called at 9:18 p.m. from Foreman and Spooner to report a dirty dozen Jr. High kids were running around in dark clothes shooting BB and pellet guns. The dingus commandoes scattered.