Arroyo Grande
• Jan. 8: Transients were reportedly drinking in the parking lot behind Century 21 on Grand Avenue at 9:15 a.m. The caller said it was an ongoing problem. When police arrived one chap who had an open container with not much left in it was cited.
• Jan. 10: A caller on the 800 block of Turquoise drive reported that his roommate might be a member of the hacking group the Lizard Squad. The reptilians ruined Christmas for a lot of kids by shutting down online gaming. No crime was reported.
• Jan. 12: A guy on Woodland Drive at Fair Oaks missed the bench and was lying on the ground. He was busted for being drunk in public.
• Jan. 12: Someone with a large backpack was walking around the police department parking lot. The dope was busted for drug activity.
• Jan. 14: Some troublemakers wearing beanies were reportedly in a car in front of Rabobank using binoculars to peep in the place. Police were unable to locate the bank watchers.
• Jan. 14: In other suspicious bank behavior, someone in a car in by Old Mission Community was inside a car messing with the steering column and some wires. He or she was gone before police arrive, hopefully not in a hotwired car.
Avila Beach
• Jan. 1: Sleepy little Avila was abuzz with several calls coming in during the wee hours of the New Year. At 6:53 a.m. someone in the 200 block of Avila Beach dr4., reported trespassing hooligans. At 11:47 deputies took a stroll along the Front Street wall to scope out the situation, no arrests were needed. At that same time, someone in the 2900 block of ABD reported a suspicious vehicle. Five minutes later in the 200 block of ABD, someone reported trespassers again. And at 2:18 p.m. deputies finally responded to a reported disturbance at Front and San Miguel that originally came in at 2:12 a.m.
Cambria
• Jan. 2: Vandals struck the 2800 block of Schoolhouse Ln. Deputies are hunting the varmints. Someone on Yorkshire said some piggy thief ripped them off.
• Jan. 5: Petty thefts were reported in the 1000 block of Hartford and the 2200 block fo Main though on Main Street they eventually said faggedaboutit.
Cayucos
• Jan. 1: Someone called at 11:50 a.m. from North Ocean to report a disturbance. Logs indicated deputies arrived in time to arrest some ruffian polar bear dipper, no doubt after having tippled the bottle for a few drops of liquid courage.
• Jan. 2: Vandals struck in the area of Hwy 1 and Villa Creek Rd., pretty much the middle of nowhere.
Harmony
• Jan. 2: Deputies interrupted the harmonic driving of some harmonious fellow on Harmony Ranch Road. He didn’t get a ticket, so good vibes returned in Harmony.
Los Osos
• Jan. 1: Deputies responded at 1:35 a.m. in the 1000 block of El Moro for a report of fireworks, at least someone was having some fun.
• Jan. 2: Deputies responded to the first block of Costa Azul for a reported grand theft. No word on the loss but a crime report was begun, now don’t you feel a lot better?
• Jan. 3: Deputies returned to the scene of a previous case at LOVR and Pecho Road and arrested someone like a nagging itch that finally gets scratched.
• Jan. 3: At 7:36 a.m. some knackered fellow was reportedly traipsing along the 2700 block of Clark Valley Rd. Deputies arrived in time to capture ol’ Otis and toss him to the nick.
• Jan. 4: Deputies came across a suspected WIP (walkin’ in public) at 12:06 p.m. at Fairchild and Santa Ynez and arrested two apparent juice weasels.
• Jan. 4: Someone called at 8:55 a.m. from the 400 block of Mitchell to report a prowler creeping around. Dude was of course gone when deputies arrived at 9:14 p.m.
• Jan. 5: Think Elmer Fudd… “Shhh, be ver-wee qwi-yet. I’m hunting rascal-wy wabbits on a code-5, super see-cwet stakeout in the 2100 block of Fa-woll Stweet. Oh, dwat! Dang-nabbit, that wascowy varmint got away, again!
• Jan. 6: Petty thieves were out in force overnight hitting homes in the 2800 block of Ramona, 200 block of Madera, and the 2400 block of San Sebastian. No word on what booties were pinched.
Morro Bay
• Dec. 29: Police got a report at 1:15 p.m. from the 1200 block of Morro Ave., of some hockey puck stealing a winch.
• Dec. 29: Police responded to the 2700 block of Alder to follow up finally on some citizen’s report of code violations, a case of break out that checkbook, the City’s come a callin’.
• Dec. 30: At 10:51 p.m. an officer noticed a guy driving northbound on the southbound side of Hwy 1 between Main Street and the Boulevard exits. He pulled ol’ Wrong-way Dingus over and arrested him.
• Jan. 30: A woman called police at 1:23 p.m. from the 400 block of Avalon and said some scoundrel stole her car from outside her friend’s house.
• Dec. 30: A woman in the 2600 block of Main told police that someone used her Social Security Number to open an account with the Gas Co., a case of oh great another bill.
• Dec. 31: A woman on Arbutus told police that she found a strange key near her mailbox, oh and she also recently donated a bathrobe to charity and may have left an expensive ring in the pocket.
• Dec. 31: Police were called by a cabbie to the area of Radcliff and Main after a fare he’d picked up refused to pay, and hit and scratched him. A 27-year-old juiced-up reveler was hauled to the nick. And a Happy New Year to you too, your high and mighty-ness.
• Jan. 1: At 5 p.m. in the 700 block of the boulevard, someone reported a disruptive hound dog causing a ruckus. The 59-year-old sot was arrested for belting the grape, taken to the hospital for he may have been a little Feinsteined during the arrest. Police left the poor chap at the hospital with a citation for being naughty.
• Jan. 1: Police responded at 9:11 p.m. to the 600 block of Monterey where a 23-year-old man was reported missing by his mommy and daddy. The man returned apparently when he was good and ready to come home, a case of dude you need to get your own place.
• Jan. 2: Police responded at 9:46 a.m. to a disturbance in the 700 block of Harbor and arrested yet another model citizen for public inebriation. He was tossed into the County B&B to sleep it off.
• Jan. 3: Another disturbance brought the police at 2:21 a.m. to the 1200 block of Main. Yet another local yokel, 53, was hauled to the blocks for being sozzled in public. And at 8 p.m. in the 700 block of Morro another upstanding gent was tossed into the Parkinson Plaza for being a walking disaster.
• Jan. 3: Police were called at 11:23 a.m. to the 400 block of Atascadero Rd., for a trespasser. Logs indicated a 31-year-old interloping woman was cited and released for suspicion of trespassing, a hanging offense in these here parts.
Pismo Beach
• Jan. 11: A caller reported that she and her daughter went to a foot spa the prior day for a massage and felt that they were inappropriately touched.
• Jan. 12: A woman reported that she often walks on the beach by Vista Del Mar and lately had seen some young men who were up to something fishy. They would leave behind packing popcorn, straws and coffee stirrers.
• Jan. 12: A caller on Ocean View reported ongoing problems with homeless people living behind his house in the greenbelt area stealing electricity with an extension cord. Officers located some tents that were appeared abandoned.
• Jan. 12: Another caller on the 300 block of Ocean View reported that transients had moved into the guesthouse at the rear of a property. Blankets and trash were found in a shed, presumably that wasn’t the guesthouse.
• Jan. 13: An elderly woman in pajamas and no shoes walked in front of a bus on Bello at Wadsworth. She was turned over to her family.
• Jan. 13: A surfer on the southern side of the pier was reportedly cutting fishing lines.
• Jan. 13: A fire was reported in a tree behind Motel 6. One person was detained for drug activity and the thus the sequel to Up in Smoke is born.
• Jan. 13: Some want to be Tigre Woods was playing golf on the beach near the volleyball courts. He was reportedly almost hitting children with golf balls. He was advised knock it off.
• Jan. 13: Two people in the front seat of a car in front of Shell Beach Market appeared to be doing “inappropriate tings.”
• Jan. 14: Some sleepy guest wouldn’t leave Dolphin Cove more than three hours after checkout time. They were advised to pack it up and hit the road.
• Jan. 14: A homeless person, possibly female, was hanging out behind Ralph Lauren at the Outlet Center, which isn’t very fashionable. She was advised to stay away from the entire center.
• Jan. 14: A woman in front of Denny’s was reportedly using vulgar language. Police were called again with a report that the scrambled skillet was inside the restaurant. She was asked to leave which she did after having a smoke first.
San Luis Obispo
• Jan. 6: Police were called at 6:49 a.m. to Starbucks on Higuera, where they had a strange man inside pacing about muttering the coming of Jesus is upon us, and let’s hope he takes all the freaks first.
• Jan. 6: At 8:36 a.m. the folks at Laurus College in the first block of Higuera reported a troublesome fellow they’d run out before, was back and he ain’t looking for a college degree.
• Jan. 6: At 9:09 a.m. Heritage Oaks Bank on Morro called after the son of an employee came inside and had a “schizophrenic episode.” Police arrived at 9:41 and the episode was apparently over or at least the prodigal son removed.
• Jan. 6: Folks at Mission Chevron where Marsh and Higuera spread their legs, called at 9:48 a.m. to report a panhandler was sitting in the driveway with a sign, no doubt reading “Need gas money.” The potential speed bump cruised on to a better fishin’ hole.
• Jan. 6: Police responded to the Dallidet Adobe and tagged a white VW micro-bus with Oregon plates and a blue van with Montana plates — the final resting place of two hippie vans.
• Jan. 6: Police were called at 11 p.m. to the Ralph’s Market on Madonna because there were several people loitering, drinking and worst of all… smoking at the City bus stop, a hanging offense in these parts.
• Jan. 6: Police responded to an apartment in the 300 block of Branch where a woman had moved out 15 minutes before, but left a little vandalism behind according to the landlord. Police decided otherwise.
• Jan. 6: Someone called at 12:37 p.m. from the construction area on Calle Joaquin and LOVR to report a transient man leaning up against a port-a-pottie. He’d crapped out before police arrived.
• Jan. 6: Police responded at 12:45 p.m. to the 900 block of Monterey at Professional Nails after a trio of grifters came in, distracted the employee and stole her wallet.
• Jan. 6: At 2:08 p.m. a citizen called from the 600 block of Tank Farm and said she saw a purse fall off a green sedan and two transient men swooped on it like a couple of wolves. And speaking of a transient’s dog, a citizen in the 800 block of Higuera told police that his or her dog was attacked by a transient dog as they walked by.
• Jan. 6: Someone called police at 3:53 p.m. from Santa Rosa Park because six hockey players were in the hockey rink, also called a San Screwy felony.
• Jan. 6: Police responded to Best Buy on Madonna where some dude in a white Ford Excursion was selling brand new Lennox Sound equipment, that no doubt fell off a truck somewhere.
• Jan. 7: Someone called at 12:55 a.m. from Casa Street to report a woman in her 50s running back and forth and screaming, no word on what bee was in Chicken Little’s bonnet.
• Jan. 7: Someone in the 3900 block of Higuera called at noon to report a man and woman in the back part of the house were yelling and slapping each other. The two Stooges were not arrested. In an unrelated case, at 12:38 p.m. a man was reportedly sitting in a car outside the Courthouse in the 1000 block of Palm yelling apparently at himself for the past 20 minutes.
• Jan. 7: Police responded wiki-wiki to the Creeky Tiki Bar in the 700 block of Higuera where four transients where behind the place drinking swill from a paper bag. They moved off before police arrived.
• Jan. 7: Police were called to the 500 block of Higuera where some bald headed guy kept sticking his head into the Head Rush Salon and making threats. The boorish cue ball was gone when officers arrived.
• Jan. 7: Someone reported a dude doing drugs right outside City Hall. Police cited and released the mope, in the latest example of why they call it dope.
• Jan. 7: Police responded at 3:43 p.m. to Ralph’s where they’d caught a suspected shoplifter out in the parking lot with a cart full of merchandise, as she apparently took the help-yourself line.
• Jan. 7: Police were called at 5:08 p.m. to Higuera and Santa Rosa for a suspicious woman acting strangely. Logs indicated the 28-year-old battleaxe was arrested for resisting and a warrant, which explains a lot.
• Jan. 7: Folks at Starbucks on Madonna called at 5:15 p.m. because three transient men were hanging around stinking up the breezeway.
• Jan. 7: The alarm went off at 6:17 p.m. at the City of SLO Utilities Department in the 800 block of Morro. Logs indicated city employees were on scene, which is how these sex scandals get started.
• Jan. 7: Police responded at 6:55 p.m. to a disturbance in the Lamplighter Inn in the 1600 block of Monterey. One victim was being treated by EMS and a 49-year-old woman was arrested for suspicion of battery.
• Jan. 7: A man came into the stationhouse lobby at 7:07 p.m. and said people were trying to kill him. Logs indicated they didn’t think he was deranged, so maybe someone really is out to get him. Then at 7:23 p.m. another yahoo picked up the red emergency phone and said he wanted to file an overall department complaint, a case of stand in line for that one pal.
• Jan. 7: Someone at the LOVR-Calle Joaquin construction site requested police come enforce traffic, because these people REFUSE TO YIELD!!!
• Jan. 8: A citizen in the 3200 block of Flora said he came out of the house and the garage door was open. No word on what treasures were mined.
• Jan. 8: The transient round up started at 7:47 a.m. in the 500 block of Chorro when someone reported several transients camping between the road and the Hwy 101 fencing, apparently not far enough out of sight to be out of mind. Then at 8 a.m. someone in the 600 block of California reported seeing a tent pitched on the side of a hill. Police turned that over to City park rangers. Don’t you feel safer now?
• Jan. 8: Police responded at 8:30 a.m. to the 800 block of Meinecke for a report of some firebug setting the landscaping on fire, but it was put out by the caller.
• Jan. 8: Someone got into a vehicle parked in the 1700 block of Southwood taking a pair of Ray Bans, two pairs of Quicksilver and some change, total loss $70, which is why Dollar Store shades are the way to go. Another theft by a “habitual truant” was reported in the 1600 block of Corona with the loss of a flip phone, cell phone, credit cards, and a checkbook with confidential info.
• Jan. 8: Police were sent at 11:12 a.m. to the 1100 block of Orcutt for a disturbance. Logs indicated an ex-boyfriend was banging at the caller’s back door and refusing to leave, yet another example of love stinks. In an unrelated call, a guy in the 1200 block of Southwood said his girlfriend text him, “I’m done. I’m done.” And now she doesn’t respond, so apparently she really was done.
• Jan. 8: At 1:37 p.m. Union Bank in the 900 block of Higuera said there was a guy inside pitching a fit at a teller’s window. No report was done. Then at 3:15 p.m. apparently the same dissatisfied customer was back inside the bank standing in line for the next lucky teller.
• Jan. 8: Police responded at 4:25 p.m. to the Wineman Hotel for a report of a medical marijuana patient filling up the hallways with smoke. Officers decided ol’ Cheech wasn’t violating the law.
• Jan. 8: At 6 p.m. police got a call from a citizen in the dead end of McMillan Street who said there was a strange man coming at him or her with a baseball bat. Logs indicated they spoke with the caller but nothing came of it. Then at 6:35 p.m. the man called 9-1-1 again and said a woman was hit but again nothing.
• Jan. 8: Police were called at 9:31 p.m. to Woodstock’s Pizza in the 1000 block of Higuera because some guy was passed out on the men’s room toilet. He was cited for trespassing in a crapper.
• Jan. 9: Police responded at 12:36 a.m. to Chase Bank in the 1200 block of Chorro where they’d found a woman passed out in the bushes.
• Jan. 9: A woman called police at 1:33 a.m. from the 200 block of Tassajara to have them check the welfare of her ex-boyfriend because he’s been depressed after they broke up, and calling the cops is sure to make him feel better.
