Open & Closed Case

Is this year’s U. S. Open women’s tennis champion a foregone conclusion before the first ball is tossed into the air, or is there a female athlete out there who can stave off history?

Maria Sharapova?  N’yet!  Victoria Azarenka?  Not.  Simona Halep?  Just got thumped.  Sam Stosur?  Too long in the tooth.  Sister Venus?  Too far out into the atmosphere.  Martina Navratilova?  Retired.  Steffi Graf?  Already owns the Slam.

One just cannot make a case for anybody upsetting Serena Williams as she closes in on the first Grand Slam since Steffi collected the Australian, French, Wimbledon and U. S. Open championships back in 1988.  To be considered a true slam one must garner the four titles in the same calendar year.  Serena is on the verge, if ever there was a verge to be on.  Her mauling of Halep in straight sets a week prior to the start of The Open bodes ill for the rest of the field.

Tennis is the one individual sport where elite players can completely dominate for years.  A crack in the armor can occur occasionally, but don’t look for it in New York.  Case closed.

Hark, Sark

The USC Trojan football team recently has been in the news for all the good reasons:  Full complement of scholarships, finally.  Great recruiting class.  A quarterback (Cody Kessler) who looks to be in the Heisman Trophy conversation.  Ranked among the best teams in the nation.  Clouds of suspicion finally have cleared.  Actually, a new lease on football life!  Until…

Second-year head coach Steve Sarkisian put his foot in his mouth (as well as too much liquor) at the Trojan’s recent “Salute To Troy” event and emitted a nasty fog over the program but two weeks away from their season opener.  His inebriated persona that night was insulting conference foes and dropping F-bombs on the crowd which included alumni, donors, players and players’ family members.

The lack of restraint on Sarkisian’s behalf appears to show a certain lack of maturity.  The repercussions of such behavior will likely include embarrassment for the university, less donor dough and most importantly, the loss of respect from his players.  Perhaps his only hope for forgiveness is that by Christmastime his team is doing well and the headlines may scream:  “Sark, the herald angel sings!”

Eggs!

You like eggs?  What type?  In what variety?  Cooked how?  I’m egging you on!  Little eggcentric, you think?  I love eggs.  Just don’t eat them much anymore.  Something about cholesterol count.  Whatever.  Have you ever had your car egged?  Ever egged your best friend’s house and had their dad make you come over and clean the mess up?  That’s a lot of fun.

Well, I need somebody to come clean my mess up because I have egg on my face!  Ever had egg on your face?  The literal of figurative type?  Mine happens to be of the figurative variety and it has to do with you, the readers of this column.  You know who the two of you are!

This columnist predicted that the San Diego Padres were going to vie for the National League West title and would finish above either the Giants or the Dodgers, or both.  Well, the prospects for one of those scenarios happening are cracked.  You know, like the shell of an egg prior to dropping it onto one’s face.  The Padres have woefully underachieved and have lost more games than they have won.  So who laid the biggest egg here:  The Pads or the scribe?  This calls for some serious egg-nog.  Hey Sark, ya got a shot of Crown for my drink?

As you can see, Michael’s brain is completely scrambled.  Send remedy to [email protected]