Morro Bay
• May 16: A disturbance was reported at 11:16 p.m. in the 1200 block of Main. Logs indicated a 30-year-old bent woman was tossed to the nick for being thick like a tick.
• May 16: Police responded at 3:31 a.m. to a disturbance in the 200 block of Atascadero Rd. Logs indicated a 33-year-old fellow was arrested for suspicion of being higher than the stacks on drugs and making a ruckus that decent folks wouldn’t tolerate.
• May 16: Police responded at 7:52 p.m. to the 600 block of Monterey for another disturbance of the peace. Logs indicated they arrested a 48-year-old trashed woman and hauled her to the County B&B to sleep it off. Earlier at 7:15, they cited another lady in the 700 block of Quintana for being UTI and let her go, as apparently being high is better than being deep in your cups. Another woman at that scene of carnage was arrested for three misdemeanor warrants, possessing drug paraphernalia and drugs. She went to the hoosegow, however.
• May 14: Police responded to Rite Aid for a report of theft of “personal hygiene products,” so we’re apparently looking for a clean thief who smells nice.
• May 14: Someone stole a tool box and miscellaneous tools out of the back of a working man’s truck parked in the 1100 block of Las Tunas.
• May 13: Police contacted a stumblebum at 10:56 p.m. in the 700 block of Quintana. The 56-year-old swizzle stick was tossed into the pokey for suspicion of being gassed.
• May 13: Police got a call at 3:18 p.m. to the 2200 block of Emerald for a rather bizarre report. A bus driver said a juvenile girl tried to get off the bus without permission, and when he or she tried to stop them the little wretch bit them, so they called police, though the dogcatcher might have been more appropriate. In another bizarre case, at 1:46 p.m. logs indicated a high school student left school without permission. She was contacted on the bike path behind the school and refused to go back. “The juvenile became upset and cut herself with a piece of glass she had found on the ground,” reads the log.
• May 12: Police contacted two men in the Morro Rock parking lot at 2:41 p.m. Both, ages 19 and 26, were arrested for suspicion of being spanked in public.
• May 8: Police found a baseball helmet lying in the roadway at Harbor and Front streets, but apparently struck out finding the owner.
• May 8: A citizen in the 1200 block of Embarcadero reported his or her car had been boosted.
• May 8: At 12:37 p.m. a woman in the 400 block of Kern reported a slashed tire. Officers couldn’t tell if it was vandals or she ran over a piece of metal.
• May 8: A 52-year-old scofflaw turned herself in at the police station for a bench warrant. Logs indicated they cited and released her with a promise to appear, under the new catch-and-release job security program.
• May 7: A citizen called at 3:10 p.m. from the 400 block of Morro Bay Blvd., to report seeing some scoundrel in a car hit a parked car and then hit the gas.
• May 6: At 5:45 a.m. a citizen in the 500 block of Piney reported his or her house was robbed, a heck of a thing to wake up to.
• May 5: Some poor guy in the 400 block of Pico got his wallet stolen out of his unlocked vehicle, no doubt by a pico-pocket. Then someone found a wallet on the beach and turned it in to police, as the cosmos evens out once again.
• May 5: Two cars went badda-boom at noon in the parking lot of Morro Bay High. No word on who was at fault, but the parents will no doubt pay either way.
• May 5: Someone said his locked storage unit was broken into in the 900 block of Allesandro and several no doubt priceless treasures were taken.
Pismo Beach
•May 19: A man entered the lobby at the Sea Crest Resort and asked to use the bathroom. He was in there for about 20 minutes and then took some ice from the ice machine. The caller thought he might have been under the influence of something. Jack Frost was gone before police arrived.
•May 19: Extra patrols were requested for Hacienda del Pismo after someone came through the property and knocked over a sculpture and broke a wind chime.
•May 19: A caller on the 300 block of Harloe reported people were watching her and listening to her while she was in her apartment. She said it began when Marie Callender’s closed down. Nothing was found amiss, but no doubt a lot of empty pie tins were located in the residence.
•May 18: A woman entered the station to complain about her noisy neighbor who is building something in his garage nearly every day. Tim the Tool Man was advised of the noise ordinance.
•May 18: A caller on the 300 block of Five Cities Drive reported finding a spoon wrapped in cellophane and thought it might be drug related. Everything checked out okay proving that sometimes a spoon is just a spoon.
•May 18: A caller reported that a man, who could not walk straight, on the 700 block of Dolliver had told him that he was on a really “bad trip.” The tripper was gone, really gone, before police arrived.
•May 18: Some guy was reportedly playing a skin flute solo on Dolliver. Get a room.
•May 17: A caller reported hearing a guy yelling, screaming and singing for about 10 minutes off of Price Canyon. Everything checked out fine.
•May 17: A caller reported that a man on the 100 block of Main was smoking from a small pipe and appeared groggy. Police determined that he wasn’t stoned, as there was no trail of Doritos or cold pizza in sight.
•May 17: Someone was reportedly walking around Spyglass Park carrying a pocketknife in one hand and a bucket in the other. The caller thought the guy might have been fishing down by the rocks. As it turns out, the good citizen was picking up trash and using the knife to break down cardboard boxes.
•May 17: A caller at the Sea Crest Resort, who had knocked back a few, called to report that his wife, who was sober, didn’t want to take him back to where they were staying in Santa Maria so they had a spat.
•May 17: Police were unable to locate a woman speeding down northbound Highway 101 and making gestures at people.
•May 15: A woman, who had been drinking, brought another man home to the house she shares with her estranged husband while they are going through a separation. Apparently, she wasn’t supposed to be at the house that night and had locked herself in the garage. After police arrived, both parties agreed to stay in separate rooms for the night. No doubt the other guy high-tailed it out of there. The next morning the soon-to-be ex-husband reported that he and his son were locked in his room and she was trying to get in.
•May 16: A man and a woman at Harry’s Beach Bar and Fight Club got into it. An employee reported that after they had been asked to leave, the man pushed the woman. The woman was dropped off at a hotel for the night and the man was dropped into the back of a patrol car. On the way to the ER for a blood alcohol test, the plastered one ralph’d in the patrol car, which is a total buzz kill.
•May 15: Some seemingly bold guy at the Outlet Center was reportedly going through stores stealing things. Police caught up to him and all the items he had in his possession had been purchased.
•May 14: A man and a woman going through trashcans on the 700 block of Bello at 5 a.m. were told to move on, as the trash, no doubt, needed its beauty sleep.
•May 14: County Mental Health was called in concerning a woman at the Outlet Center who was using the planters as a bathroom.
San Luis Obispo
• May 20: At 8:30 a.m. the SLO High police officer cited and released a student for allegedly having a bag of the evil weed on campus, another casualty of the wake-n-bake society.
• May 20: A woman in the 600 block of Caudill called 9-1-1 at 9:31 a.m. because there was a suspicious man in her driveway, an apparent violation of the City’s anti-standing-in-one-place-too-long ordinance. He of course left before police arrived.
• May 20: Police responded to Santa Rosa Park for a reported case of graffiti. Logs indicated it was possibly gang related, as if some other idiot would do this.
• May 20: A pair of officers cruising through the Marsh Street parking garage spied two likely suspects in the place. Naturally, one 24-year-old man had warrants and the other master criminal, 32, was under the influence. They caught the morning shuttle to Parkinson Plaza.
• May 20: Police were called at 10:36 a.m. to the 1000 block of Walnut for a hit-n-split at the office of attorney Ilan Funke-Bilu, no word on whether the “I’m a werewolf” defense will be employed.
• May 20: Police got a call at 10:48 a.m. in the 4000 block of Poinsettia from a regular Mrs. Kravitz, who said a suspicious man and woman were standing in front of a neighboring house and they don’t live there, oh, and now they walked right in the front door… Logs indicated the people who live there were home and apparently invited them in.
• May 20: A citizen in the 300 block of Marsh called at 11:11 a.m. to report a suspicious man outside Frame Works hangin’ with Maryjane. The fellow was cited for violating the City’s anti-smoking anywhere inside San Loco ordinance, his stash apparently already gone up in smoke.
• May 20: At 11:15 a.m. someone in the 700 block of Marsh reported a transient man was swearing, as free speech morphs into public nuisance. The potty mouth was gone before police arrived with the soap. In an unrelated call, at 1:22 p.m. at the City/County Library, a loony-tune lady was screaming profanities sitting by the book return box.
• May 20: Police were called at 3:15 p.m. to the 2000 block of Broad because a hotdog stand and a “roach coach,” were parked in a 30-minute zone in front of Amore Salon.
• May 20: At 4 p.m. someone called to report hitting a deer at Madonna and Oceannaire at about 3 p.m. No word on whether Bambi’s mommy made it.
• May 20: Police got a disturbance report at 9 p.m. from the 1300 block of Garden. An elderly hard-of-hearing woman reported her son and that wife of his were fighting, no doubt thinking the old lady can’t hear them.
• May 20: Police were called at 9:47 p.m. to the 200 block of Madonna because there was a medium-sized snake in the men’s crapper. The caller didn’t know what kind it was, but DOES THAT REALLY MATTER!?! County Animal Regulation was called in to capture the serpent.
• May 20: Someone in the first block of Stenner called at 10:15 p.m. for an ambulance at the Cedar Creek Village apartments, a.k.a. “The Jungle,” after someone fell off a balcony.
• May 20: Someone called at 11:59 p.m. from the 700 block of Foothill because three horses were running loose in the middle of the road. They were apparently corralled, as the call was canceled.