Avila Beach
• March 13: Sheriff’s Deputies responded to a report of an 18-year-old man who had fallen off a cliff and into the water at Pirates Cove. Witnesses reported seeing the man walking along the cliff moments before he fell. A swimmer was able to pull the man to the water’s edge. The Port San Luis Harbor Patrol and Cal Fire responded and began CPR. He was transported by boat to the Port San Luis Pier to a waiting ambulance. The medics on scene confirmed the man had met Davey Jones.

Morro Bay
• March 8: Police got a report of a Double-D woman at 1:20 p.m. in the 700 block of Morro Bay Boulevard. Logs indicated a 54-year-old lady was hauled to the County hoosegow for allegedly being drunk & disorderly.
• March 7: Police responded to the 2900 block of Birch where some larcenous scoundrel stole yard lights, a possible case of wonder who’s windows they shine into. And speaking of felonious fellows, a 22-year-old scofflaw got arrested at Quintana and South Bay on a felony warrant.
• March 6: Police responded to Rite Aid where some thief hunted up some fishing tackle and managed to shake the hook and escape, it’s always the one that got away.
• March 6: Police responded to State Park Road and South Bay for a vehicle vs. deer non-injury accident, ‘cept for the deer.
• March 5: At 12:33 p.m. police responded to a non-injury traffic collision at Market and Morro Bay Blvd. Someone sideswiped a parked car, the other parking problem in Morro Bay.
• March 5: Someone reported a D&D fellow at 3:55 p.m. at Monterey and Harbor. The 59-year-old Crapped Crusader was hauled to the Bat Cave to sleep it off.
• March 4: Police responded at 4:34 p.m. to a disturbance at Lila Keiser Park. Logs indicated they busted up a regular cartel, popping two men, ages 58 and 23, for suspicion of possessing drug paraphernalia, their stash no doubt already up in smoke. A 51-year-old apparent associate went to the hoosegow for a FTA warrant and obstructing an officer, also called mouthing off.
• March 4: Police were called at 11 p.m. to the 1000 block of Market for a medical aid, after a 54-year-old swizzle stick zigged-when he maybe should have zagged and crashed and burned in the street. The train wreck was righted on his tracks, and hauled to the hospital via ambulance for treatment of minor injuries.
• March 3: Someone reported at 11:15 p.m. a man yelling his fool head off in the 400 block of Island. He’d apparently made it home before police gave him something to yell about.
• March 2: At 11 a.m., in the 400 block of Morro, Chief Inspector Clouseau recovered a stolen ve-hic-sul and vill returnz eet to zee rrright-full own-ah.
• March 2: Police took a report of a juvenile being assaulted by some ruffian at the teen center. Charges are being filed with the D.A., it’s unknown if the “I was a Teenage Werewolf” defense will be employed.
• March 2: Someone at Lila Keiser Park made a theft report, and the usual suspects will no doubt be rounded up out of the crick.

Pismo Beach
• March 12: A caller on the 200 block of Pomeroy reported a man who had been drinking was yelling his head off. The caller had tried to turn down the volume, but to no avail. Police convinced the guy to quiet down, which worked for a little while, but they were called back out when the guy started banging on the walls. This time the old yeller opted to take a booze snooze.
• March 12: A surfboard was reportedly left on the 200 block of Mason, which is odd considering the owner of the board drove off in a van.
• March 12: Some dope at Frady Fields was trying to sell the evil weed to a teenager that was mentally disabled.
• March 12: Police were called when a juvenile got a little rough with loss prevention at Rite Aid.
• March 12: A motor scooter was reportedly stolen from an alley off Pomeroy. The caller was missing the keys. Then a scooter similar to his drove by his house. No luck finding it so far.
• March 12: At 10.pm. five people on the 1100 block of Longview got out of a vehicle that had a loud exhaust. Two surfboards were on top of the car. The night surfers then took off.
• March 11: A warning was issued for someone traveling at about 5 miles per hour on the freeway. Anyone remember the movie Tommy Boy?
• March 11: Police checked on a bike that was in front of Hot Topic that hadn’t been there earlier. Will the madness ever stop?
• March 11: A young adult male jumped the fence at Shell Beach Elementary School. It turned out he worked there, no doubt all the cool kids jump the fence on the way to work.
• March 11: A mustang heading towards Grover Beach on Highway 1 reportedly had a large firearm with a clip sticking out the passenger side window. It turned out to be an umbrella stand.
• March 11: Five or six people were near the pier bathroom, which normally isn’t a big deal except one of them had a machete. He was advised not to do that.
• March 11: A woman at Rite Aid tried to purchase a $1,000 gift card with a credit card and the payment was declined. The caller thought that it was possibly a stolen card. The woman said that she would return to finish the transaction but of course didn’t.
• March 10: A guy on the 100 block of Dolliver reported he had been in an argument with his girlfriend and she had taken his car. Mr. Optimism was on foot trying to locate the car. He was advised to stop and wait for a police officer. Police caught up with the woman and she was arrested for a probation violation.
• March 10: A woman left her purse, a laptop, a smart phone, and a suitcase under the pier unattended and came back to find it missing, no doubt realizing this isn’t Mayberry.
• March 10: A caller on the 100 block of Ocean View reported a man dressed all in black lying in the middle of the roadway at a little after 8 p.m. Paramedics were called to help the speed bump who had head injuries. Police paid another visit to the guy in the ambulance after he was being uncooperative.
• March 9: Some guy was sleeping in the women’s restroom at the pier. Creepy was advised that he shouldn’t do that.
• March 9: Another machete siting was reported on the 100 block of Addie Street. A guy dressed in Khakis was strolling on the beach with the tool that police determined was legal.
• March 9: Some Jumbo Jack at the Jack-in-the-Box drive through offered to sell some Mary Jane to the employee. He was arrested.
• March 3: A caller reported a man sleeping on his motorcycle on the 500 block of Ocean Boulevard. It was actually riding clothes on the bike, or the scarecrow lost his stuffing.

San Luis Obispo
• March 13: A woman called at 1 a.m. and asked police to check the welfare of her boyfriend who hasn’t called her back for 6 hours, no doubt the 52nd way to leave your lover…
• March 13: A disturbance was reported at 3:56 a.m. in the 1700 block of Santa Rosa. Police and paramedics responded for a woman “passed out” with “internal bleeding.”
• March 12: Someone reported a parking problem at La Cañada and Cerro Romauldo. Some road hog parked his sedan with its nose sticking into the street, begging to be spited for the cut-off view.
• March 12: At 8 a.m. someone at the Vet’s Hall reported a casualty in the war on poverty was bivouacked in the parking lot by the American Legion Hall. At 9 a.m. someone reported another urban camper sitting on a sleeping bag in front of the Historical Museum in the 600 block of Monterey.
• March 12: Someone called at 10 a.m. to report a woman probably high on something was in the street yelling. The town crier was gone before police arrived. Ten minutes later, a maintenance man at the Z Club on the aptly named High Street, said there was a guy hitting the wall who must be high, drunk or crazy.
• March 12: A citizen called at 11 a.m. to report a vehicle going the wrong way and the driver acting strangely in the parking lot of the DMV, as the driver’s test proves its worth once again.
• March 12: At 12:30 p.m. police went to the Budget Inn on Olive where they said a woman was on an apparent bender in her room, refusing to check out and owes two days already, in this week’s example of why we need SWAT.
• March 12: Someone called at 4:43 p.m. from the 500 block of Higuera to report a man was behind an architect’s office smokin’ the evil weed. Then at 5:45 someone reported two suspicious squirrels sneaking around in the bushes in the 1400 block of Prefumo Canyon. And at 6:12, someone reported a white guy passed out with beer cans strewn about at the bus stop by County Social Services on Higuera.
• March 12: At 6:42 p.m. someone at Harris and Branch reported a deranged man wearing Blue Jeans and a blue shirt. The blueberry of course had a warrant and went to the County B&B.
• March 12: Someone called 9-1-1 at 7:05 p.m. from the 1100 block of Morro to report that a pub restroom trailer was delivered but they forgot to unlock the stalls, an emergency what is an emergency. Police turned this crap over to public works.
• March 12: Police were sent to the 1100 block of Broad at 9 p.m. where some juiced up jacka** at the Wild Donkey Café wanted them to call police on himself. The 41-year-old fellow was nicked, also called a mercy killing.
• March 12: Police got a report at 10:35 p.m. from Johnson at Ella of some moron playing chicken in the street with a woman driver.
• March 12: Police were called to a disturbance at 11:05 p.m. in the first block of Broad where security was detaining a schwasted 21-year-old persnickety fellow outside the Village Retirement Home, wondering no doubt why he strikes out with all the girls his own age.
• March 11: Police were called by a citizen in the 1300 block of Fernwood who said a truck was parked in a driveway with the truck bed completely blocking the sidewalk, a hanging offense here in San Looney.
• March 11: Someone at McDonald’s on Madonna called at 9 a.m. to report a strange man outside talking to himself and he was smoking too!
• March 11: At 12:35 p.m. someone in Mission Plaza reported a man was passed out in the bathroom crapper stall. No word on whether he was s**t-faced.
• March 11: A woman driving past Higuera and Tank Farm reported a tow truck driver with a crowbar was under a car causing a traffic hazard in the turn lane, something he surely knows lady.
• March 11: Someone called from Pismo and Morro at 10:54 p.m. to report two people in a red sedan in a parking lot and it looks like the female is about to get busy, if ya’ know what I mean… Police arrived at 10:58 and they’d apparently already come and gone.
• March 11: And in the category of “Huh?” Police got a 9-1-1 hang-up call at 11 p.m. from a pay phone at CVS on Marsh. On callback they got a fax machine, the ol’ pay phone switch-er-roo trick.