Arroyo Grande
• March 30: An unknown creepy man reportedly made a suspicious call and identified a woman on the 1000 block of Grand Ave., by name and also knew where she worked. He said that he would call again.
• March 29: During a traffic stop officers discovered drug paraphernalia, heroin and stolen checks.
• March 28: A woman pulled over for a traffic stop took off on foot, which never works, outside of Supergirl. She was later found to be in possession of drug paraphernalia.
• March 28: A caller followed a man involved in a hit-n-split collision to his house. The guy reportedly backed into his driveway and into the garage door. Loopy, who was found to be under the influence of pain meds, was unaware that a house jumped in front of him and of course, was feeling no pain.
• March 28: A car was stolen sometime overnight on Hillsdale Court.
• March 24: An elderly couple on La Canada was duped out of $200,000 in a fraudulent sweepstakes scam.
Morro Bay
• March 27: Someone on Morro Avenue turned in a “Sentry Safe” they’d found to police for “safekeeping,” though it’s a mite late, as it was empty.
• March 27: Fire and police responded at 2:06 p.m. to the 2700 block of Cedar for a house fire that destroyed a duplex and three vehicles, damaging the homes on either side of it as well, with heat and smoke damage. There were no injuries reported and the fire was caused when hot barbecue coals being dumped into a trashcan (see: www.tolosapress.com for the story).
• March 27: Someone reported the evil weed growing in the dunes in the 1200 block of the Embarcadero.
• March 26: Some meatball got into a parked car at DiStassio’s on the Bay Italian Restaurant and the mamaluke made off with untold treasures. In the 2200 block of Juniper someone stole a check and forged the owner’s name, which sounds like an inside job.
• March 24: Police responded at 8 p.m. to a disturbance at an undisclosed location in town (must be a super secret). Logs indicated a bent fellow was making death threats. The 51-year-old sauced loudmouth was arrested for belting the grape and was of course on probation with a caveat of “No drinking,” fool.
• March 24: A woman on Bernardo told police that her 81-year-old husband has dementia and failed to arrive home at his scheduled time. The confused tardy fellow arrived home safely.
• March 24: Someone in the 300 block of Driftwood reported a burglary to a home still under construction, which is not a good sign.
• March 23: A 31-year-old sticky-fingered gent was arrested for burglary at Albertsons, which differs in intent from simple shoplifting, in that he allegedly went shopping with no money.
• March 23: A citizen in the 2900 block of Hemlock reported his or her blue 1997 Honda Accord parked in the street was stolen. Another citizen in the 2400 block of Greenwood, just a few blocks away from the Hemlock caper, also reported a stolen vehicle. And in a larcenous parlay — a car was stolen out of the 500 block of Morro Ave.
• March 22: Some scoundrel broke into a storage shed in the 500 block of Morro Bay Blvd., and stole a backpack leaf blower, which really blows.
• March 22 Police contacted two model citizens at 11 a.m. on Las Tunas Avenue and the two miscreants, ages 21 and 29 were tossed to the nick on various nefarious drug allegations.
• March 21: Police responded at 10:22 p.m. to a domestic dispute in the 2600 block of Ironwood. Logs indicated they cite-released a 46-year-old battleaxe on suspicion of domestic battery.
• March 17: Police responded at 4 p.m. to another domestic disturbance on the apparently poisonous Hemlock Street (2200 block). A 23-year-old man was arrested for suspicion of battery on a cohabitant and child endangerment. That ruffian went to the County lockup.
• March 21: A resident in the 100 block of Sandpiper told police she’d lost a tennis bracelet, call out Homeland Security.
• March 21: Several parked cars were broken into on Driftwood Street, as the scourge continues unchecked. And in an unrelated case, police towed off and impounded a trailer from Tide and Vashon, as they’d not given the DMV a pound of flesh in at least 6 months.
• March 18: A citizen in the 200 block of Palm reported the theft of a classic car…hubcap.
• March 18: At 3:21 p.m. a citizen reported a group of people enjoying happy hour at City Park, as it’s no doubt 5 o’clock somewhere.
• March 18: A citizen reported at 12:41 p.m. two men spray-painting the street in the 2500 block of Ironwood. The 18-year-old Paso Robles and a 20-year-old Atascadero graffidiots were arrested for suspicion of vandalism and possession of drugs, which explains a lot.
• March 15: Police stopped a suspicious vehicle at 12:25 a.m. in the 500 block of Atascadero for a code violation. Logs indicated the 25-year-old scofflaw was cited for no license and given a notice to appear, which he might have to walk to, as they arrested his car.
Pismo Beach
• March 30: Two people in their 60s outside Surf Side Donuts entered the store and the woman started sucking on a honey bottle and refused to leave. Ol’ Winnie the Pooh was also hitting up customers for money. They were advised to leave.
• March 30: Three or four people camping behind the bait shack on the pier were told to scram.
• March 30: A cab driver reported bringing a woman from SLO who then claimed she didn’t have enough money for the fare, which was about $80. Later it was reported that the same woman tried to by three beers and her card was declined.
• March 30: Some crusader on the 300 block of Capistrano said a neighbor had placed a statue of the devil in front of her property, which is creepy but apparently not necessarily illegal.
• March 29: A female passed out in a running vehicle and was cited for possession of drug paraphernalia and drugs.
• March 29: A wild beehive was reported in front of Pismo Yogurt. A bee wrangler was called in.
• March 28: A man and a woman were fighting at the North Beach Campground, and the woman was yelling for help. It turned out to be verbal only. The feuding couple was counseled and said they would separate for a while.
• March 28: A caller’s rental property on the 200 block of Seacliff was damaged over the weekend. Doors were kicked in and a wall damaged.
• March 27: People were reportedly having sex in a truck on the 300 block of Dolliver. When police arrived they got dressed. They were no doubt advised of the anti hanky-panky law.
• March 27: Lots of drunken people were reported upstairs at Motel 6 at around 2 a.m. A half hour later, a report came in about people yelling and screaming. It turned out to be two people quietly talking outside.
• March 27: A man at North Beach Campground was reportedly walking into spaces and looking into cars and tents. He said he was “a lawyer,” and no doubt a bigger crook than just a peeping Tom.
• March 25: A man and a woman got into a shouting match in the Chevron parking lot. The caller was concerned that it would get physical. The woman got into a car and drove off, while the man took off on foot.
• March 25: A large swarm of bees was reported between Harry’s and Cool Cats.
• March 25: A caller reported someone at Pirates Cove drinking and smoking weed in a cave. Odd, that never happens.
• March 25: A caller reported suspicious circumstances when a customer was in the store for three hours. She appeared to have stolen stuff but medics were called when she had a seizure.
• March 25: A woman decided to shop for free groceries at California Fresh and was nabbed. The store declined to press charges.
San Luis Obispo
• April 1: Someone called at 3:52 a.m. to report several transients loitering in the alley between Nipomo and Higuera, an apparent violation of the City’s standing in one place too long ordinance.
• April 1: Someone in the 200 block of Santa Lucia called at 3:20 a.m. to report a forced sexual assault and rape. Logs indicated the case was an alcohol poisoning and turned it over to medics.
• April 1: Someone called at 3 a.m. from the 1000 block of Higuera asking to check the welfare of two smashed fellows vomiting and barely able to walk near Firestone Grill. They’d apparently gotten away, as no arrests were made.
• April 1: At 2:17 a.m. a call came in of two groups of ruffians getting ready to rumble at 7-Eleven on Marsh.
• April 1: A clerk at Courtyard Marriott on Calle Joaquin called at 1:55 a.m. to report a trespassing woman talking to herself. She’d asked the clerk to call the police, as at least one personality has some sense.
• April 1: A citizen called police at 1:15 a.m. from a foot spa by 7-Eleven on Marsh to report some trashed fellow was watering the sidewalk with a short hose. The whizzer was arrested on what was his 25th birthday. Happy birthday to you… Happy birthday to you… Happy birthday you filthy, drunken, urinating, swine you… Happy birthday to youuuu!!!
• March 31: A citizen called at 11:07 p.m. from the 1000 block of Orcutt to report a disturbance in apartments across the street.
• March 31: A citizen called at 10:53 p.m. to report loud bothersome drumming near Higuera and Chorro. Police couldn’t find the bongo. But at 12:40 a.m. a citizen reported loud drumming at Mission Plaza, as John Bonham apparently took the show on the road. Still they couldn’t find him.
• March 31: Police were called at 8:35 p.m. to Mission Chevron on Marsh after the clerk reported a woman refusing to leave, though he’d asked her no doubt politely three times. The stubborn 43-year-old was hauled to the gaol for being spifficated.
• March 31: Police were called at 7:13 p.m. to Higuera and Johnson for a verbally abusive man directing his vitriol “to no one in particular,” apparently just pi**ed off at the world. Took 15 minutes for police to arrive and naturally, he’d moved on.
• March 31: Police were called at 6:40 p.m. to County Drug & Alcohol Services for a report of a man blowing above a .08% blood alcohol in a DUI class. The tosspot fled before police arrived.
• March 31: Police were called at 5:41 p.m. to Osos and Palm for a report of a man sitting behind the bus stop “playing with a pocket knife,” in this week’s example of why we need SWAT.
• March 31: Police were called at 5:14 p.m. to the 200 block of California for a report of 12 trespassers swilling hooch by the pool, a hanging offense in San Loco.
• March 31: Someone at Santa Rosa Park called at 4:45 p.m. to report eight hooligans on bikes had taken over the skateboard park — the Millennials’ version of “The Wild Ones.”
• March 31: A citizen called at 4:38 p.m. from Pacific and Higuera to report some boisterous fellow was hanging out his driver’s window screaming, while holding a beer can. The apparent redneck got away.
• March 31: At 3:53 p.m. someone called from the Downtown bus stop and reported a man smoking the evil weed, acting strangely and harassing people (just wait until it’s legal). The pothead wafted away before police arrived.
• March 31: Someone abandoned a gold, Mercedes Benz limo in the 1600 block of Pereira. A beat up, old, white truck with a trailer was abandoned at Church and Osos.
• March 31: The indigenous wildlife was restless, as several calls came in regarding bad behavior by homeless folks. In the 600 block of Monterey, 6-8 transients were reportedly swilling hooch in a parking lot. In the 700 block of Higuera outside Hepkat, a transient man was harassing women as they walked by making them feel “uncomfortable.” That boor gave police the slip. An aggressive panhandler was reported at Marsh and Morro blocking the sidewalk, no doubt to extract the tourist toll. In the 200 block of High, another transient man had been in the trash enclosure at GEO Solutions, LLC all morning. And in the 1100 block of Morro a transient man was “flipping people off and blocking traffic” outside Heritage Oaks Bank. That 26-year-old fruit loop dingus was nicked for being deep in his cups. Ironically, that same guy was the subject of an earlier complaint in the 500 block of Higuera (at Carmel) after he shook loose the weasel on the side of somebody’s house.