Arroyo Grande
• April 26: A juvenile delinquent on Hidden Oak Road was cited and released for possession of the evil weed.
• April 26: Someone under the influence of a controlled substance was arrested on the 800 block of West Grand.
• April 24: A man on the 200 block of James Way made a citizen’s arrest accusing his brother of battery, as they are apparently past the “I’m telling Mom!!!” stage.
• April 23: A hotel guest on the 500 block of Mercado reportedly threatened an employee. Perhaps “guest” is pushing it.
• April 22: An apparent would-be pyromaniac lit a dumpster on fire on the 900 block of Rancho Parkway.
• April 21: Some adult male was reportedly trolling the high school campus. The ruffian was found to be in possession of brass knuckles, a knife, marijuana and suspected (likely) stolen property.
Morro Bay
• April 24: Police responded at 9:44 p.m. to the 2700 block of Alder after someone had burgled a home. No word on what the scalawag took.
• April 23: Someone boosted a car from the 700 block of Quintana but police reported getting it back, alas no doubt too soon to cash the insurance check.
• April 22: Police took a report of vandalism to “city equipment” in the 400 block of Morro Bay Blvd. It was no doubt time for a new one anyway.
• April 21: Police and fire responded at 4:14 p.m. to Hwy 1 at Morro Bay Boulevard for a reported car fire. No word on the extent of damage to the hot rod.
• April 19: Police responded to a disturbance at 6:25 p.m. at a care facility in the 1400 block of Teresa Dr. Logs indicated a 57-year-old woman was arrested for allegedly being higher than Hollister Peak on drugs.
• April 19: Police responded to a disturbance at 1:54 p.m. in the 3300 block of Main St. Logs indicated they took a report of an alleged assault and “threats made to MBPD” and reported the apparent loudmouth to the District Attorney’s Office for no doubt immediate inaction.
• April 19: Police responded to a disturbance at 10:12 a.m. in the 400 block of Quintana where a 65-year-old maniacal dingus was arrested for suspicion of being on drugs. He went to the County photo lab for a mugshot.
• April 18: Police responded at 8:18 p.m. to the 700 block of Quintana to help the fire department with a medical aid, as it was either a slow night or a troublesome call.
• April 18: Police and fire responded at 6:34 p.m. to Harbor Street and Market Avenue for a vehicle vs. pedestrian accident, which with this town’s crazy traffic surprisingly doesn’t happen every day.
• April 18: A citizen came to the police station to report a fraudulent use of his or her stolen identity.
Pismo Beach
• April 26: A car was reportedly broken into on the 200 block of Oceanview.
• April 26: A citizen went to the police station to report that someone was taking pictures by the pool at a place on the 100 block of Pismo.
• April 26: A caller reported that someone had parked his caboose on the train tracks by the baseball fields.
• April 26: A caller reported that some transients who’d been ousted from the estuary behind Motel 6 were now setting up camp in front of the motel, might be time to turn the lights out, eh?
• April 25: A father reportedly slugged his adult son in the face a few times on the 100 block of Juniper; no word on whether he was confessing or bragging.
• April 25: A woman found slumped over the wheel of a car on Vista del Mar was taken to the ER.
• April 25: A caller on Costa Brava returned home to find that packages were likely stolen from in front of his or her residence three days ago.
• April 25: A caller reported a guy with a metal detector was digging in the dirt on Bello at Wadsworth. He checked out OK, as looking for treasure is not yet against the law.
• April 25: A caller at Starbucks called the CHP to report he was being harassed and some guy was going to kill him. He hung up when dispatchers tried to get more information. It turns out the shebang was over a parking spot. Geez, walk a few feet.
• April 25: An employee at Tommy Hilfiger reported a suspicious man had been in the store twice over an hour and a half. He would reportedly hold up merchandise towards the security camera blocking his face and when confronted by employees he left.
• April 25: Extra patrols were requested behind Old West Cinnamon Rolls after drug needles were found in the dumpster.
• April 25: A homeless man in a wheelchair near Rite Aid was reportedly getting “intimate with a vehicle” — you don’t even want to know…
• April 25: A caller on the 400 block of Foothill believed that his neighbors had entered his house while he was gone. There was no sign of a break in.
• April 25: A guy at Starbucks refused to leave and was standing on the chairs. He was advised about when patronage turns into trespassing.
• April 25: A caller on the 700 block of Shamrock reported that their leprechaun of an ex-boyfriend reportedly threatened the caller’s family and said he would slit their throats.
• April 23: Warning! Watch out for calls from the IRS demanding money or you’ll be sued. It is a scam; the IRS already robbed you.
• April 23: A female in the lobby of the police station reported being harassed by her ex-boyfriend. She said that he showed up at her work, stood outside the window and stared at her. She texted him telling him to leave, which he did but only to across the street. When she left work, he followed her, so she drove straight to the police station.
San Luis Obispo
• April 29: Some jack or jenny jingled Jamba Juice’s front door setting off the alarm at 5:33 a.m.
• April 29: At 3:48 a.m. in the 500 block of Brizzolara a disturbed citizen reported a disturbing disturbance. Officers dispersed the disturbance.
• April 29: A citizen in the 200 block of Higuera called at 2:45 a.m. to report some bent fellow was pounding on his or her door and refusing to leave. Police arrested the twister for suspicion of over-celebrating on the night of his 21st birthday.
• April 29: At 2:40 a.m. a woman called police for an escort to her vehicle from the City Parks & Rec building on Nipomo at Emerson Park, in the latest example of why we need SWAT.
• April 29: A woman came home at 1:52 a.m. in the 1200 block of Murray and discovered a fuzzucked fellow leaning against her car in her driveway. He apparently skedaddled before police arrived. Earlier at 12:16, someone reported a rowdy party in the 1200 block of Murray, as once again all is revealed.
• April 29: Police responded at 1:52 a.m. to the 700 block of Higuera for a disturbance at the oddly named Library, as apparently “Shhh!!!” didn’t work.
• April 29: At 12:34 a.m. police got a report from the 600 block of Park of a “Found On the Road Dead” Taurus.
• April 28: Police were called at 12:24 a.m. to Augusta and Laurel for a rag picker mining the trash for treasure.
• April 29: Police were called at 12:21 a.m. to the 700 block of Higuera where some reveler was ruining the vibe at Ambiance. A 24-year-old future leader was cited for an open container and arrested for resisting arrest.
• April 28: A man called police at 11:40 p.m. from Laguna Lake Shell and said a man in a hoodie sitting in a car had “stared him down,” another case of “If looks could kill…”
• April 28: Police were called at 11:34 p.m. to a reported loud party in the 1200 block of Monte Vista at the Phi Sigma Kappa frat house. There were 20 carousers and ol’ Otter got cited.
• April 28: Police were called to Vons on Broad Street at 11:15 p.m. because there was, “a known shoplifter in store carrying around a bottle of alcohol,” and no doubt about to use the help-yourself line. The sticky-fingered 24-year old, was hauled to the gaol accused of petty theft.
• April 28: At 9 p.m. a woman in the 2900 block of Augusta reported a hit-n-split that apparently happened at Wells Fargo Bank on Marsh.
• April 28: Police were called at 8:36 p.m. to Food 4 Less regarding a 20-something panhandler with black hair and cowboy boots sitting on his duff and smoking cigarettes, which is no way to make friends and influence people in this town. And at 7:43 p.m. in the 800 block of Higuera, police ran off another heel panhandling at the Sock Store.
• April 28: Someone called at 5:55 p.m. and reported some juice weasel getting’ jacked up in the Garden Street Alley. The alley cat scattered.
• April 28: Police were asked to tow off two vehicles in the 800 block of Higuera outside Victoria’s Secret and LuLu Luxe, ‘cause Farmer’s Market rules. One had to be towed, but the other driver apparently escaped a fleecing.
• April 28: An apparently tanked transient fellow was no doubt getting a charge out of being a pest at Batteries Plus in the 400 block of Madonna. He left before officers switched him off.
• April 28: Some petulant whiner in the 1800 block of Vicente complained at 5:30 p.m. because all the parking was being taken up by soccer moms picking up their kids from practice.
• April 28: Police responded at 4:55 p.m. to the 200 block of Madonna where an obstinate transient man was refusing to leave Supercuts, something no doubt quickly remedied by offering the slacker a job.
• April 28: Someone burgled a house in the 500 block of Hathway, deep in the heart of the jungle. Round up the usual PhD candidates…
• April 28: At 3:56 a.m. someone reported suspicious circumstances at City Hall. It was the second call at City Hall in just over an hour. The first, at 2:40 p.m. asked them to check the welfare of some poor schmoe, who took off before they got there to “render assistance.” And in other run-of-the-mill City news, at 2:14, police went to Public Works across the street after some no doubt happy customer made death threats.
• April 28: Someone at Food 4 Less wanted food for free. Police are investigating.
• April 28: Police responded to the 1200 block of Bond for a “residential burglary” report, though logs indicated it was a theft from an unlocked storage shed, which would no doubt go for $600 a month.
• April 28: At 1:41 p.m. someone reported two runaway juveniles at the Palm and Osos bus stop. Police were UTL, as they no doubt blended with the other juvenile delinquents waiting for a bus. In other bus stop news, at 1:31 p.m. someone reported two transient men making camp in the bus shelter at the Marigold Center.
• April 28: Police got a 9-1-1 hang-up call at 10:12 a.m. from the 100 block of South at Tech Tegrity. Logs indicated the callback number rings to an office in Fresno; well at least it isn’t India.
• April 28: An aggrieved man came to the police station on Walnut at 7 a.m. and demanded to talk to an officer about a kidnapping conspiracy that is afoot. No word on ransom demands or how much to just keep him.